Who is The Loneliest Man Alive?
Who is The Loneliest Man Alive?
A Portrait of Mundane Suffering
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Here’s the thing about loneliness, it is basically an evolved early warning system triggered when there is the potential danger of being alone.1 What does feeling lonely motivate you to do? Reconnect with others. From this perspective, while painful, loneliness is adaptive (for more on the benefits of negatives read - here).
It’s worth taking what science has to offer and envision the experience of an extremely lonely person.2
He has skills and knowledge.
Standing inside a Whirlpool refrigerator, he’ll rifle through the water filtration system and fix the ice maker. With patience, he finds deals for automobile insurance, roofers, and lawn maintenance companies. He subscribes to a wide range of newsletters and knows what concert performers and food festivals are in town.
His neighbors acknowledge him.
Periodically, he finds himself awash in greetings. Hey buddy. How’ve you been? So good to see you. When strolling with his dog. When shopping for farfalle butterfly pasta and Pringles at the supermarket. Few slow down their stroll to dig deeper.
He has a job.
A company man, he’s been employed for years. Long enough to knows where to find a big-ass guillotine paper cutter and VHS tapes in the storage room. Grandfathered in, he has a private office. Rarely does a colleague stop by for more than 3.7 minutes. The most common questions he is asked or asked:
What did you do over the weekend?
What are you plans for next weekend?
He has a family.
A wife laid down next to him for 17.3 years. They brushed hands at a farmers market several months ago. Surprised by the physical contact, she expressed far more confusion than interest. Neither felt a compulsion or sense of commitment to grab a finger and weave their hands together. An outsider would have captured dialogue akin to: Sorry about that. No worries. I’ll be more careful. With deadened nerve receptors, it was an instantly forgettable act.
He has a kid, now grown up.
Loves her dearly. She texts nearly fives times per week, often ignoring his queries into everyday affairs. She spends more time with mom - who together read on the couch, talk over breakfast, or tan on the deck.
He has friends.
Trivial matters are broached. He relies on a deck of contrived responses. That sounds good. Don’t worry about it. Thanks for asking. Sure, I’ll take another. That’s funny. You don’t say. I hope it makes you happy. I’m really sorry you feel that way. Things will get better. I appreciate the offer.
Imagine someone thinking about you when a song is played…
Not so much with him. His name rarely arises in anyone’s conversation or thoughts. When his name is uttered, the emotional tone of those present is no different than when peeling a carrot.
Mundane suffering
The loneliest man in the world lives among us. He is not so different from the rest of us. I described one. There are far too many others - men and women.3 Be generous in the vicinity of the lonely character. Give a social bid and be receptive to theirs (for details - read this and this). Offer kindness to yourself when the pain of embarrassment, failure, or public scrutiny seems unbearable - because momentary loneliness affects nearly everyone. When lonely, we are terrible at articulating what we feel and think. There is a general sense of looming danger and pain. And a strong urge for connection, that we can learn to satisfy.
An alternative story line.
The loneliest man feels a sense of agency, acknowledging the range of choices available.
While strolling through a Sunday farmers market, he grabbed his wife’s hand without looking. He doesn’t let go. He savors the pressure of a finger embraced between two of hers. She expresses surprise at the lingering contact. Instead of disengaging, she smiles at the unusual gesture. She yanks her torso against his in the crowd. Gazing inches apart, she softly holds his face with the loose hand, letting him know - you’re getting a kiss for that. An outside observe would have expected a hard, strong kiss. But it was ever so delicate. He forgot they weren’t alone. He stopped feeling alone. A mere moment to build on. A moment to savor. A building block for something better than before.
Choose wisely among the options available in the few episodes available per day. There’s more freedom available to us than we think.4
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Read Past Issues Here Including:
I happen to be a big fan of using evolutionary thinking to better understand the origin and nature of both problems and potentialities.
I’m intentionally describing a man as most fictional and non-fictional portrayals are of women. The most comprehensive data suggests a relative absence of sex differences (but do not be mistaken, tiny studies constantly find evidence of differences - which is why I tend to focus on mega-ass studies).
Make sure to read this study of the prevalence rate across 113 countries. Loneliness is least prevalent in Northern European countries (2.9%, 1.8% to 4.5% for young adults; 2.7%, 2.4% to 3.0% for middle aged adults; and 5.2%, 4.2% to 6.5% for older adults) and most prevalent in Eastern European countries (7.5%, 5.9% to 9.4% for young adults; 9.6%, 7.7% to 12.0% for middle aged adults; and 21.3%, 18.7% to 24.2% for older adults). In the future, we will better understand why.
Dedicated to the premature loss of a friend.