The Ultimate Strategy for Extraordinary Social Interactions

Introducing the Art of Social Invitations

While I am thankful for attention to a so-called “epidemic of loneliness,” the absence of this alarm system does not indicate the presence of positive social relationships.

Loneliness can be viewed as an early threat detection system. An alarm goes off in your head. The mind feels anxious, disconnected, and dreadful. The body receives a motivational push to affiliate with someone, anyone. However, proximity to other human beings will not do, as suffering is greatest when feeling alone in a room of socially attractive characters. To manage suffering, there is an intense desire to enter into emotionally meaningful social connections.

Loneliness is a mental state and your insides are often invisible to others

If the mere absence of loneliness is still problematic (indicative of languishing), a question emerges:

How do we design social interactions that evoke joy, passion, intrigue, and meaningfulness?

One Answer: giving and accepting social openings.

Example #1: The Big Dog of Social Media

My daughters share commonalities with most youth of their generation in their appreciation of short online video bursts. Over breakfast they rambled on about the biggest content creator of all, Mr. Beast. Despite my ignorance of this bloke, apparently, over 128 million people follow him on YouTube and 22 million people follow him on Tik-Tok (did I mention that the scientific article that I am most proud of and spent 6 years working on has been cited by 78 people over two years? Who is really going viral?). Mr. Beast doesn’t just earn a ton of money, he is the master of social openings as illustrated by this 48 second clip:

He strolls across a college campus offering a unique aesthetic invitation - would you fly travel to Paris, right now, all expenses paid and $300 in cash for returning with a fresh French baguette? Say yes and the portal opens to a story of a lifetime. While it is perfectly understandable why people refuse, if time and obligations are not a pressing issue, why not? Why not choose a moment of delight, the building block of a rich, interesting existence?

Example #2: Strangers on the Subway

There is an unwritten rule in city life that you can acknowledge the existence of another person on the subway but that’s it. Norms exist to keep proper social distance (long before COVID-19). Only if absolutely necessary are you to sit adjacent to someone else. No staring. No trifling. No blirtatiousness. But, as the authors of People and Places: Sociology of the Familiar put it, “despite the borders that arise around two or more people when a conversation begins on the subway train, the immediately surrounding passengers usually become absorbed in the speakers as a side involvement of their own, finding it very difficult to avoid listening in such close quarters.”

this cat is the master blaster of social openings

I once jumped through open New York City subway doors with my daughter Chloe only to find a crowded car without a seat. Heads down, eyes averted, it was a non-social social situation. That is until a 3-man mariachi band counted, “uno, dos, tres!” And then they played with gusto. And then they stood people up by the hand, encouraged people to dance, and smiled right next to your mug until you felt what they felt. Strangers clapped. Took videos. Laughed. It was festive. Until the next stop when the band walked out. Within seconds, an eerie quiet returned.

The band offered a social opening. We received what philosopher Nick Riggle calls an aesthetic invitation:

Invitation is a skill, aesthetic connection, an achievement. When an invitation is skillfully offered, with sensitivity and understanding, it creates a bond between inviter and invitee, even when our eyes don’t meet. Your aesthetic invitation showed sensitivity to my individuality, to my sense of aesthetic freedom, and for that I am grateful. And when I take up your invitation, I do what you wanted, I allow you to entice me, I am willing to follow your lead. And for that you are grateful. It’s a connection, an affirmation, a mutual recognition.

Now who doesn’t want to initiate an invitation like that?

Who would want to pass up such an opportunity?

Social openings are a gift. They offer an antidote to loneliness. A strategy to recharge your batteries. A pathway to well-being. And the cost is minimal to non-existent.

Reversal

Just remember that giving and receiving social openings require responsiveness. Does Mr. Beast show the same rate of accepting openings when broached by strangers with their own requests? If not, why not? It’s unfair and somewhat disrespectful to only be part of the game when in control. High-quality listening is required for social openings such that you meet people where they are, attending to the amount of mental resources at their disposal. A restaurant customer asking a server to interpret their strange dream of trying to escape a car that drove off a bridge into the sea is liable to create threat instead of opportunity. The customer is in a leisure mindset where time is infinite whereas the server is on the clock and minutes wasted produce unhappy customers and lost tips. When in a power position, be wary of enforcing compliance to a social opening. Fuel agency such that the receivers of social openings feel empowered to say no when the timing and situation is wrong.

Please support my work by sharing it with others (and click the free ❤️ button). For my science-based handbook for owning your power, read The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively.

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