Why You Keep Ruining the Best Moments (And How to Stop)
Things you can control to be happier.
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Instant gratification can be yours for nearly everything— Is your boyfriend/girlfriend/furry cheating? We called Miss Cleo.
Where can I find a Wasabi KitKat? What’s the best exercise for getting that tiny biceps peak—it’s all just a swipe or click away. And yet, this relentless rush to finish is robbing us of something precious: anticipation.
The Magic of Waiting: Why We Want 3 Days, Not 3 Hours
You just won the lottery granting you a kiss from your favorite movie star. (Go ahead, visualize it.) (I’m sticking to long-term celebrity crushes Claire Danes + Jennifer Connelly) There’s just one ask: you schedule when the kiss will happen. You’re given the choice of when you want it, in:
3 hours
24 hours
3 days
1 year
10 years
What do you choose?
When this scenario was posed in a study, most people chose to wait three days (link). Why? Because waiting a little bit—but not months—builds enthusiasm. Anticipation intensifies joy. It’s the difference between wolfing down a hot slice of pepperoni and bacon pizza straight from the box and letting its aroma fill the room while you pour an old-fashioned. That pause, that wait…you know how that immersive state feels.
Impatience Steals Magic: Be a Better Gift Giver
We’ve been conditioned to believe faster is better. Why wait for the kiss when you can have it almost immediately? Why delay the dopamine hit?
Because dopamine doesn’t arise from the doing, it appears during that eager state of wanting. When we rush, we rob ourselves of the build-up. The suspense. The butterflies. And that makes the moment less satisfying. Researchers call this the “flattening effect.”
Skip the build-up and our emotional peaks become plateaus. This principle operates for acts of kindness. Offer a surprise and these get intensity but their overall joy would be greater with the inclusion of hints and tension - pleasant pain!
Ever notice how devouring a Netflix series in one weekend doesn’t feel as good as waiting a week for each episode? We consumed too fast to savor.
You Often Wait Because You’re Scared
Waiting feels dangerous. What if the kiss is canceled? What if Claire and Jennifer bail after being shown a pic of my pock-marked, asymmetrical mug shot? What if something goes wrong? This fear of uncertainty is why so many of us rush.
It feels safe to grab the prize now.
If I give the gift now, that’s one more thing off my overloaded to-do list.
This leads to your Buddhist lesson: move though life impulsively or thoughtfully, either way, uncertainty is inevitable. The desired outcome is never guaranteed. The difference is if you wait, you give yourself the gift of stretching the moment.
The Sweet Spot of Well-Being
How far out you schedule or wait for something is irrelevant. What matters is your approach. You’re not postponing happiness; you’re deliberately basking in a moment relatively free of strain - like the beautifully slow crescendo in this gorgeous song (hang tight until 2 minutes 20 seconds):
For now, forget what you’ve learned about the ratio of positive to negative moments as an indicator of flourishing (link). It isn’t just about the moments experienced. It’s about our preparation. Stop rushing. You’ll find that the wait makes everything—yes, even a kiss—worth so much more.
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Todd B. Kashdan is the author of several books including The Upside of Your Dark Side (Penguin) and The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively (Avery/Penguin) and Professor of Psychology and Leader of The Well-Being Laboratory at George Mason University.
My crush is Kate Beckinsale. (Connelly is, too).
Instant gratification is what's common these days, so to avoid it and really manage it not just for others but for our own sake feels healthy and also empowering.
Imagining the kiss with Kate, waiting for 3 days really feels a lot but I can wait! Not sure if my wife would, though :P
Great advice - whether its a first hand hold or wanting to finish a really good book the build-up can be amazing. I have also experienced the opposite when the event has so much build up - it doesn't live up to the hype. Maybe the secret sauce is embracing anticipation whilst moderating expectations so that you can enjoy the moment for what it is, rather than what you imagined it to be. Dr Frank-N-Furters rendition of 'Sweet Transvestite' ... "so come up to the lab, and see what's on the slab, I see you shiver with antici ......................." would have been a perfect song choice for this article.