**How to Be An Exceptional Conversationalist**
An irresistible Science Informed Guidebook
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“Don’t let the conversation die”
“Levity is one of the best tools we have”
from the brilliant mind of Dr. Alison Wood Brooks
Two goals for romantic dates and phone calls. And pretty damn good minimalist advice for many conversations when the aim is to feel joy, curiosity, contentment, love, and connection - or as the 80’s philosophers named Poison recommend (here), “nothing but a good time.”
For me, few things are a greater compliment to receive and a more esteemed act to attain than to be an exceptional conversationalist—the kind of person whose dialogue feels like stepping into a cathedral-expansive, resonant, and deeply memorable. Yet, according to research at Cornell University, if there is one place where people think they are merely average, it’s the richness of their social interactions (link).
It's not just about cracking jokes or keeping the energy alive. True conversational prowess involves the near-mystical ability to read other people’s minds, intuit what people want to talk about, and sense when a topic has burned itself out, leaving only a few red embers smoldering. The best conversationalists know when to blow life back into the flames, and how long.
Unfortunately, most of us aren't great conversationalists. And even if you are, there's no guarantee your conversational partners will match your skill. Enter the horrifying conversation - the kind that makes you fantasize about a sudden emergency fire drill or the sweet release of your phone "accidentally" dying. Let's talk about how to escape soul-sucking exchanges while still holding onto your dignity-and maybe even your reputation.
How to Escape Horrifying Conversations
There’s a special kind of despair reserved for conversations that feel like bamboo shoots shoved beneath your fingernails. Maybe it’s a work lunch where you discover your companion has all the depth of a kiddie pool. Or worse: what Dr. Alison Wood Brooks refers to as “the dreaded ZQ” —zero questions asked (from Chapter 3). You’re a one-person gameshow, and they’re the blank-faced audience who doesn’t bother to clap.
Horrifying conversations come in many flavors. There’s the monologue artist who takes you hostage. The idea repeater, endlessly circling the same thought like a seagull over a landfill. And let’s not forget the unbearable optimist, whose relentless chirping about “silver linings” makes you want to hurl yourself directly into a thunderstorm.
So what do you do? How do you escape when the orange of dialogue has been squeezed dry, and everyone’s left chewing on pulp and seeds?
Recognize the Fragile Ecosystem of Conversation
Conversations are ecosystems. They thrive on balance—give and take, ebb and flow. But when one side collapses (when you’re idling in six seconds of silence after asking questions), the ecosystem falters. Suddenly, you’re in a desert, wandering alone, looking for signs of life while your conversational partner acts like a sentient cactus.
This fragility might seem obvious. You feel it in the thinning air. Surely, you think, they notice it too. Surely they’re aware of the awkward starvation of meaningful exchange. But don’t bet on it. People can be astonishingly oblivious. You might have to decide: inject fresh life into the conversation or find a clever way to eject.
The Art of the Abrupt Pivot
When the dialogue is circling the drain, throw it a life raft in the form of an abrupt pivot. It’s the conversational equivalent of flipping a table at a dull house party—unexpected, but revitalizing.
For instance, when someone starts talking about their 11th-grade chemistry teacher for no reason: “Speaking of chemistry, what’s a food combo you love that most people would hate?”
Or if they’re stuck on a never-ending work complaint loop: “Let’s say you win the lottery tomorrow. What’s the first ridiculously irresponsible thing you’d buy?”
By shifting into unpredictable territory, you jolt them awake. It’s as if you’ve handed them a kaleidoscope and asked them to describe the colors. But beware: if they can’t even muster curiosity at your pivots, you’ve got a true conversational corpse on your hands. Time for more drastic measures.
The Strategic Compliment-Exit Combo
When things are unsalvageable, deploy the compliment-exit combo. This involves saying something mildly flattering before extraction. It softens the blow of your departure and makes you seem magnanimous rather than desperate to escape.
Example: “You’re such a great listener—speaking of which, I should probably head out before I keep rambling. Let’s catch up again soon!”
Notice the sleight of hand: you’re giving them credit (great listener!) while quietly fleeing the scene. It’s like leaving a tip after a disappointing meal—polite, but final.
Beware the Bamboo Shoot Conversations
Some conversational moments are worse than physical torture. Someone starts explaining the rules of a sport you’ll never watch (half rifle shooting, half cross-country skiing?).
Or worse, recounting the ingredients of a salad they ate last Tuesday.
These bamboo shoot conversations burrow into the skin of your patience. You feel your soul trying to detach and float away. This is when you selectively tune out, saving 1.5 lobes from deteriorating.
Visualize a barrier between you and their droning voice—like a transparent dome. In your mind, you’re somewhere else entirely, sipping a smoky old-fashioned on a beach. Occasionally nod and say things like, “No way!” or “That’s wild!” You’re still present in body, but your mind? It’s miles away, moshing through a field of lavender.
The "Let’s Make This Interactive" Trick
If you suspect your partner doesn’t know how to converse like a functioning human, you can stage an intervention. Take control. Create a game.
For example:
"Quick, three things you’d bring to survive a zombie apocalypse—go!"
"Would you rather always have to sing your thoughts or never speak again?"
Games nudge engagement. They offer a backdoor escape if they utterly fail to participate. (“Wow, you can’t even pick between miming and singing? I should probably let you get some rest!”).
Know When to Embrace Silence
Not every silence is bad. The icky moments are those nearly silent lulls where someone feels obligated to fill the void with garbled 2- and 3-letter scrabble words - “The ox in the fjord saw a big yak sip tea.” (all you can do is shrug and cross off their cannabis dispensary.). Often, the noise of someone unable to bear temporary nothingness takes the form of verbal static:
"Sooo… yeah."
"Crazy weather we’re having, huh?"
"Anyway…"
Here’s the secret: If your conversational partner isn’t asking questions, don’t panic—let them sit in the nothing. Sometimes the awkwardness motivates people to act - especially children and adolescents. Other times, it reveals they have no intention of owning 50% of this exchange, which strengthens your escape case.
Creative Escapes for Truly Hopeless Scenarios
When all else fails, here are playful but effective premature endings:
"I promised myself I’d leave every conversation while it’s still fun. Mission accomplished!"
"Wow, I just realized I’ve been talking your ear off. I should go before I start boring myself!"
The key is delivering lines with a touch of humor and charm. You’re not fleeing in terror; you’re making a stylish connection end on a pleasant note.
Reclaiming Conversational Joy
Ultimately, escaping horrifying conversations is about reclaiming your time and energy. Conversations should nourish you, not drain you. If you find yourself trapped in a vortex of ZQs or bamboo shoots, remember: you have the power to pivot, play, or politely exit.
Because life is too short to chew on pulp and seeds. Go find a fresh orange. Or better yet, plant your own tree.
A Soft Plea
This article was inspired by the last book I read. DO NOT miss the dialogue Dr. Brooks dissects from the most adorable speed-dating interaction ever in Chapter 4 of TALK: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves. It melted me. I cannot stop thinking about it and neither will you.
While I usually self-immolate at the sight of acronyms, not so here. T, for becoming adept at flexibly shifting through topics. A, for refining the asking of questions. L (my favorite), for injecting levity. K, for kindness - far removed from the lame positive psychology self-help books.
I don’t screw around with recommendations. Get this wonderful guidebook before we interact in person. My mental health depends on it.
Extra Curiosities
I’ve been listening to the second-greatest cover song of all time. My criteria? It must pay homage to the original but with sonic distinctness. While I am not a Cure fan, their rendition of Purple Haze lights me up.
You probably know that my main line of research is on purpose in life.
As such, I am hungry for anything new and useful on this topic. One of my favorite authors, Michael Bungay Stanier, produced the ultimate journal to help us find our path. It sits on my keyboard so that I wake up and respond to his crisp prompts (long before acknowledging my kids’ existence). Get the details and pick up a copy - here. It will help you.
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Todd B. Kashdan is the author of several books including The Upside of Your Dark Side (Penguin) and The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively (Avery/Penguin) and Professor of Psychology and Leader of The Well-Being Laboratory at George Mason University.
I have to ask: what’s your first favourite cover song of all time?
Oh good conversations can be some of the best life’s experiences…and some of the most horrifying!