The Embarrassing Truth of Habit Change
The Embarrassing Truth of Habit Change
This is part of a series on assertiveness. Read the first - here. For paid subscribers, read the 10 commandments of assertiveness. Become a paid subscriber and get Ask Me Anything sessions - upgrade here.
National Hamburger Day was celebrated yesterday, but please, no greeting cards required.
As a financially savvy carnivore, I found it hard to resist a bacon burger at Wendy's for a penny. So, I opened the Wendy's app, clicked on the Hamburger Day deal, made a credit card purchase, and picked it up at the drive-thru window. Only to discover that I had been charged $3.70 instead of one cent. It was three minutes before closing, and the sole employee sort of/kind of resolved my complaint by saying, "I honestly don't know how to fix the app mistakes. Please talk to the boss, who will be in tomorrow." I expressed my gratitude and refrained from causing a scene.1
After waking up, working out, and escorting my youngest daughter to school, I contemplated whether I should request my $3.69 refund from Wendy's. The money was insignificant. In fact, pondering the time and energy invested in this debacle was embarrassing. However, my decision to take action was not about money; it was about establishing a habitual pattern of standing up for what is right.
The foundation for creating a fulfilling life is comprised of nothing more than moments. The quality of your life is shaped by actions taken in those moments.
You approach Wendy's to request a refund for a technological error that is not your fault. By doing so, you provide further evidence that you are:
An assertive person who refuses to tolerate unnecessary shit.
Capable of harnessing unwanted emotions and thoughts rather than avoiding them (read about the benefits of facing adversity - click here)
Empowered to pursue your goals despite obstacles, even when the stakes are low, providing valuable practice for larger conflicts ahead.
Your personality is essentially a collection of moments in which you exhibit certain behaviors. Repeatedly altering your default behaviors over time leads to a transformation in your personality (refer to this supportive research).
Consider another example that occurred on National Hamburger Day:
My daughter asks me not to be her assistant volleyball coach because she finds it easier to make friends without a parent present. I respond, "Of course!" and go a step further by telling her, "I'm proud of you for telling me this. Yes, I wanted to coach you, but only if it would do more good than harm. Remember, this is what you should do all the time: ask for what you need, explain why, and repeat this regularly to gain more control in creating the relationships that work best for you."
I provided feedback on her brief moment of assertiveness.
Because believing that your personality can change doesn’t necessarily lead to actual change (click here for evidence). Instead, it is the active pursuit of a higher frequency of moments where you exhibit trait-typical behaviors that brings about a change in personality (click here for evidence).
Provocation
What personality strength do you aim to cultivate?
In which moment will you choose to act in accordance with that personality strength? Is it in your relationships, at work, during moments of rest, or while playing?
And if your goal is not a change in personality traits but rather to develop bigger biceps, here's an exercise to incorporate into your routine. Thank me later by buying me a cheap whiskey shot:
Thanks for reading! If you liked this, forward to someone who’d like it. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and even better, upgrade to a paid subscriber. Find me on Linkedin and Instagram and Twitter and Facebook for conversation.
Dr. Todd B. Kashdan is the Author of The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively (Avery/Penguin) and Professor of Psychology and Leader of The Well-Being Laboratory at George Mason University.
Read Past Issues Here Including:
My guess is many of you immediately thought of “Karens.” Is Todd a Karen? What is the male word for “Karens”? And if there isn’t one, why not? Regardless, read this provocative commentary on how often viral stories about women who show even a semblance of assertiveness and labeled as a “Karen” are in fact wrong. Too bad story corrections rarely get attention. Let’s fix that - click here.