Assertiveness is Your Super Power
Assertiveness is Your Super Power
Some Thoughts on Getting Through the Pain Points
I bought a car. An ordeal worth rehashing.
Inventory shortages. Inflation. Salesmen breathing too loudly. Parents paying $10,000 above the sticker price for a well-timed, 16th birthday social media pic. Y2K. Difficult conversations. Enjoy some suggestions about how to negotiate a better deal while feeling the dire importance of assertiveness.
At least four pain points altered the final price by thousands of dollars.
Challenge 1: Knock Down the Price. I took a test drive at a dealership and received a bloated quote. A strange line item appeared on his spreadsheet - ADM or additional dealer markup. Based on market demand, this is a cost hike above the MSRP or Manufacturer's Suggested Retail Price. I offered a promise: get rid of the ADM and earn a commission today.
He didn’t even ask his manager. I kid you not, he laughed - “you do know that a dozen people are on a waiting list to grab this car?” “Fine. To avoid a long back-and-forth, what’s the best you can do for a teacher + grandson of a WWII veteran?” Shrugging, he said, “nothing.” With a dead fish handshake, I offered my iron clad rule - 48 hours of contemplation before major financial decisions. Challenge 1 failed.
Challenge 2: Find a Nemesis. With my surreptitious photo of the spreadsheet, I called no less than 12 other dealerships in a 40-mile radius to see if they could beat the price. Seven mentioned a glut of inventory - nothing in stock or arriving in the near future. Three didn’t believe the quote and said if true, accept immediately. Two expressed surprise but would ask their manager about a lower price - they both declined. One offered to beat the price by $75. But I would have to drive over and sign a contract today. Normally, this strategy is the jammy jam jam1 and I saved a huge chunk on prior cars. Not this time. Challenge 2 was a fail.
Challenge 3: Allude to Artificial Competition. I returned to the initial dealership with a list of local dealerships contacted. I summarized my quest to the manager as a large number of alternative places with a wide range of prices who also want my money. I made him a deal. All you have to do is beat the best offer which means reduce the price by $2000. Do this and I sign a contract before leaving. He scurried off to find a manager. While reluctant, they agreed but asked for a sizeable down payment. Challenge 3 was a success.
Challenge 4: Lacunae. Then the waiting period began. Because of supply chain problems, they estimated months before the arbitrary arrival of my car. As if I was a contestant on Press Your Luck2, they offered periodic opportunities on the phone. We don’t have the vehicle you want but what about a similar product in hot pink? What about the vehicle you wanted, minus safety features requested, for the same price? How about the same model but 6 years older, used, for $500 less? I did not eat the marshmallow.3 Challenge 4 was a success.
Challenge 4: Respond to Unmentioned Price Hikes. I got the call. The car I wanted in the desired color with features I selected is here. Document signing commenced. And that’s when I noticed an extra, fishy $3,000 price hike. If I didn’t notice it, nobody would have told me. Here is a close approximation to our awkward conversation.
Is it me, or did you raise the cost by $3,000?
It’s not you. That is the new processing fee.
And the processing fee increased because?
Because you were on the waiting list. Processing costs fluctuate.
Right, but this is the first I heard of this. You forgot to mention this possibility.
[He paused, stared, confused as to why there’s a conversation.]
I don’t know how this company works but I am going to decline the new processing fees. If you mentioned the cost could change, I would have paid the processing fee with my deposit. This would be a great time to bring your manager over.
The Non-Duchenne smiling manager put his hand out for a meaty handshake, asked for the gist, and repeated the company mantra - unfortunately processing fees increased. I asked how he would feel if he received no information about this situation until now? And how would this look when I share this experience to friends and colleagues online? “How about this then,” pretending to derive an original idea, “we remove the $3,000 in processing fees and in return you offer a 10-star review online because anything less is seen as a company failure.” What a great idea, sure I said, with my fully activated Non-Duchenne, Dexter-esque smile. Challenge 4 was a success.
In situations like this, I wonder about the percentage of people who pay thousands of dollars extra on cars, vacations, and homes. Even as an assertive, extraverted person, I am not a fan of these emotionally taxing, highly pressurized situations. Scientists refer to this kind of moment as a strong situation that pushes for compliance as opposed to unique expressions of your personality.
I wonder how challenging life must be for people who lost the cortical lottery and lean toward unassertiveness and received insufficient training on how to behave differently.
The Assertiveness Spectrum
An attentional spotlight shines intensely on the power of kindness, and the power of introversion. However, there remains an indisputable fact: assertiveness is the true super power.
To leverage this super power, we must start with definitional clarity.
In the 1960’s, Dr. Arnold Lazarus defined assertiveness as a set of habits that reflect social competence.
the ability and willingness to openly discuss one’s own needs and desires
the willingness to say NO despite social pressure to do otherwise
the ability and willingness to openly discuss emotions felt
the ability to initiate, maintain, and end conversations in a way such that all parties feel heard
As an underappreciated set of competencies, a definition can be reached.
Assertiveness is a balancing act of attempting to get the best possible outcome for ourselves without diminishing other parties with divergent interests.
At one end of the spectrum is passivity (under-assertiveness) and the other end of the spectrum is aggressiveness (over-assertiveness). The sweet spot between these poles is assertiveness.
You are not being selfish when assertive.
You are honoring your self.
Let nobody in your life, regardless of their history or importance, tell you otherwise.
Here’s hoping you fare well in negotiating a better price with the next purchase. And you hone these skills in the social world as well….
Provocation
What you would you say or do differently today if you put a greater emphasis on asserting your needs, desires, dreams, and preferences?
How will you better advocate for yourself in the next negotiation, whether a monetary deal or relationship conflict?
The ability to attain better outcomes in negotiation is not optional. It is a necessity when navigating a messy world of human reflexes and reactions.
Do you want to be more assertive? I spent 6 years creating a guidebook. Read The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively. Offer it as a gift to a student just starting high school or college; gift it to a newcomer in the workforce. For more information, click here.
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Read Past Issues Here Including:
Who knew this term of mine is actually legit? That is, if you view the Urban Dictionary as legit.
Top 3 favorite game show of my twin brother and I. However, do not watch it today. This show does not last the test of time.
This follow-up study is far more interesting. Click the link.