Niceness Sucks: The Sugar-Coated Plague
The Science of Superficial Positivity
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In a world where social media likes and upvotes have an undue influence on our self-worth, where the fear of offending someone often takes precedence over standing up for what's right, and where the line between being nice and kind blurs, it's time to rethink priorities.
Niceness often masks a reluctance to engage in the work of gaining an understanding of others with differing values, beliefs, and interests, and tackling tough issues that plague society. Let's explore why we should champion kindness instead.
At first glance, niceness seems virtuous. You might nod in approval of a co-worker with a gentle demeanor and good manners (definitely in emails). When someone says, "You'll like him, he's nice!" it sets an expectation of a relaxed, low-maintenance social interaction. However, you might be like me - wondering why "nice" is their notable quality. Nary a word about interesting. Or stimulating. Or trustworthy. Or jovial. Just…nice.
Avoiding Conflict
Niceness encourages us to stand on the sidelines, silently watching when disagreements emerge. It makes us prioritize comfort over change.
Suppressing Authenticity
Niceness compels us to suppress what we truly think and feel if there’s a chance of upsetting someone else. This suppression produces inner turmoil, and disconnection from our own identity.
Inaction in the Face of Injustice
Niceness frequently results in inaction when confronted with injustice. It discourages us from taking a stand and raising our voices against wrongdoing.
Psychological Science
Did you know that niceness often leads to phoniness and erects barriers to intimacy? Research suggests white, liberal adults tend to be overly nice/polite in interracial relationships, which might seem friendly. However, this default behavior creates distance and inhibits genuine connection. It's akin to putting up a "No Access" sign on what you are really thinking and feeling. Which is the opposite advice for developing intimacy.
Niceness is a superficially positive strategy that prevents new characters from entering the roster of future friendships.
Three Situations Universally Related to Niceness
Using nice/polite language is an indicator that you believe someone is not at your level of social status. Situations where niceness/politeness reigns include:
A Large Perceived Power Differential. Return to scientific findings that white, liberal adults are overly polite when communicating with people of another race (not the case for political conservatives). While the reasons are unclear, it raises questions about the role of stereotypes. Politeness can often take on a patronizing tone, such as a teacher simplifying their vocabulary when speaking with students considered less intelligent compared to their peers.
Obligatory Social Interactions: Think of times when you were “forced” to write thank-you letters or call someone, despite little inclination to do so. In such situations, we lean towards formality to expedite the encounter.
Large Social Distance Between Two People: Politeness is a default mode when interacting with someone whom we wish to maintain social distance. It serves as a reminder that closeness is unlikely. "Pleasure to grant your acquaintance Dr. Kashdan" taking precedence over words with a personal stamp such as "Dr. Kashdan in the flesh, so cool to finally meet." When someone is perceived as lower in social status, watch for the dominance of polite language.
Kindness: Getting Real and Getting Close
Kindness, an alternative to politeness, is not about ingratiating or avoiding conflict, nor is it about othering a subset of humans. It's about being gentle, present, open, and having the courage to take a stand on issues that demand attention and action. Here's why we should champion kindness over niceness:
Minding Power Gaps
Kindness doesn't tiptoe around significant issues. Whether it's addressing damaging gossip, confronting injustice, or challenging inequality, kindness acts as a megaphone that amplifies unheard voices — a precursor to change.
Agents of Transformation
Kindness isn't passive; it's an active force for good. It's about raising our voices, supporting causes, and being part of the solution rather than perpetuating problem. It involves being willing to stand out by asking inconvenient questions and sharing knowledge1.
How does kindness operate in the real world? Consider three variants:
Mental Health Champion
Kindness extends to mental health awareness. It involves breaking down the stigma surrounding emotional difficulties and offering a lifeline to those in need (see the triple risk factor model of suicidality - here).
Education Enthusiast
Kindness flourishes in the form of passionate educators who share knowledge and empower others to reach their full potential. Whether they're volunteering as tutors, leading workshops, or mentoring young minds, education enthusiasts ignite a love for learning and encourage aspirational goals.
Random Acts of Kindness Maestro
Some individuals have a knack for spreading kindness. They're the ones who leave surprise uplifting notes on strangers' cars, pay for the coffee of the person behind them, or distribute sidewalk chalk to children who seem to have nothing to do.
Coda
Life is too short for politeness or niceness. Let's embrace kindness and connect with individuals on a deeper level. Let's be kind enough to be the lone dissident in a room full of people who've made up their minds too quickly. Let's be kind enough to engage in tough conversations, breaking free from the shackles of trite, contrived, and bland considerations. Let's be kind enough to catalyze change, even when the world seems ill-prepared. It's not about being universally liked; it's about doing what's right, even if it means being disliked—ironically, the path to genuine likability.
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The "Alternative Ending" of The Art of Insubordination
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Stay tuned for future issues where I raise concerns about times when the field of psychology prematurely declared someone wrong or morally bankrupt in the absence of sufficient evidence.
I absolutely agree. I definitely do not mean to apply that kindness is the apex predator of virtues.
You actually raise an interesting question and I wonder what other people think is the apex or nucleus of virtues?
This is the kind of date that steals my breath. Yes to all of that. Thanks for sharing such a poetic, dreamy nostalgic moment that too few people have, and that everyone needs.
Focus. On one person. That’s what we all want to receive and hopefully give. And it gets harder as technology creates artificial barriers to our attentional system.