Honor: An Outdated Virtue

Inspired by the Manosphere, Adolescence on Netflix, and Excess Cultural Sensitivity

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Honor is… sometimes just a nice word for ego. I will choose interesting conversations over ego. I will choose money over ego.

Others lean the other direction. In some places, honor still rules with an iron grip—Texas, the American Southwest, vast stretches of Latin America. Places where a man’s name carries more weight than his credit score, and a perceived insult can still get you shot or, at the very least, make Thanksgiving unbearable.

How interesting is this - Congress members from states with stronger honor cultures were less likely to apologize! (source). Notice the Lone Star state where apologies just don’t happen…

Honor culture is a fascinating relic, an evolutionary glitch that keeps persisting even though modern life has largely outgrown it. You can see it in the father who won’t let his son walk away from a fight because “men don’t back down.” You can see it in the guy who refuses to take a job below his imagined station, choosing poverty over perceived humiliation. And you see it in funerals, the endless funerals, because someone, somewhere, just couldn’t let something go.

Hidden Costs

Honor sounds noble. It has an old-world charm, conjuring up images of duels at dawn, firm handshakes, unbreakable words. But in practice, honor often translates into one thing: a refusal to tolerate even the smallest insult¹. It turns life into an exhausting performance where every interaction is a test of dominance, every disagreement an existential threat.

Psychologists have studied this, of course. Cultures of honor tend to emerge in places where law enforcement is weak, where people historically had to defend their property and reputation with their own hands. Herding societies, for example, where livestock theft could mean ruin. In those contexts, honor made sense—if people feared you, they were less likely to cross you. But in a world of contracts, police, and online banking? The same instincts look like dysfunction.

One study found that men from honor cultures react more aggressively to perceived slights. Another found that they experience a larger spike in cortisol (stress hormone) when insulted. And yet another showed that they’re more likely to take financial risks to maintain appearances. And to bring the point home, other research finds “higher levels of intimate partner violence, more school shootings, and [they] are less likely to seek mental health care” (source). In other words, honor cultures make people touchy, stressed, violent, and broke.

Compared to living in poor, resource deprived areas, the bigger predictor of a high school woman being raped or physically abused in a dating relationship is whether they live in a state that values/upholds a strict honor code. (source)

This brings me back to my original point: I will choose interesting and tough conversations over ego. I will choose money over ego.

But What If You Just… Opted Out?

Here’s something I’ve noticed—people who grew up marinating in honor culture rarely stop to ask if they actually like it. It’s just how things are. They believe you must retaliate, must demand respect, must show strength at all times. But what if you don’t? What if you just… let an insult slide? What if you walked away?

You’d be amazed at how liberating it is.

I once had a conversation with a guy from an old-school Texas family. He told me about a cousin who got into a bar fight over a woman. “Had to,” he said. “Can’t let a man talk to you like that.”

I asked him what happened next.

“Oh, he got his ass kicked.”

So what was the point?

“Well,” he shrugged. “He kept his pride.”

No, he kept his bruises. And the bartender got a great story to tell. Meanwhile, the woman they were fighting over? She left with someone else entirely.

Know the two types of pride. On the left is the non-verbal expression of authentic pride (the good stuff). On the right, is the expression hubristic pride (the bad stuff). Here is a quick primer. Authentic pride arises from a self-judgment of what you are doing. Hubristic pride arises from a self-judgment of your being. Authentic pride stems from accomplishing goals and making efforts toward it (think the pursuit of purpose). Hubristic pride arises from general beliefs of being naturally talented, attractive, intelligent, strong, or just awesome sauce. Killer source - here.

Cultural Sensitivity Has Limits

Now, I’m not saying culture doesn’t matter (cool article - here). But there’s a difference between respecting a culture and letting it dictate your life in ways that make you miserable. Deference to tradition is fine—until it starts demanding sacrifices you didn’t agree to.

Take Latin America, where machismo still looms large. A man must be strong. A woman must be deferential. A father must control his household. But step outside of those expectations and what happens? Disapproval. Ridicule. Maybe even violence.

Or consider the American South, where hospitality is legendary, but so is the expectation that you’ll suffer in silence rather than “make a fuss.” Where family loyalty is everything, even if your family is a walking case study in why therapy exists. Cue the most disturbing 48 seconds of network television in my childhood:

Culture is a script, but you’re allowed to ad-lib.

The Real Flex: Not Caring

There’s a saying: “Revenge is a dish best served cold.” I disagree. Revenge is a dish best not ordered at all. The power move isn’t getting even; it’s not needing to.

A point that dovetails beautifully with the work of

Alison Fragale

:

Let people insult you. Let them talk. If you’re secure, if you’re busy building something real—wealth, health, a life that fulfills you—why waste time defending an illusion?

There’s a line in The Count of Monte Cristo where the main character, Edmond Dantès, finally gets revenge on the men who wronged him. He watches their lives unravel and says, “How did I get my revenge? By being happy.”

Honor won’t make you happy. It’ll make you resentful, exhausted, and occasionally incarcerated.

So, to anyone still clinging to the idea that a man must defend his name at all costs, that family is everything even when it’s a toxic dumpster fire, that culture is more important than personal peace—consider this your permission slip to let it go.

And if that offends you?

I won’t fight you over it.

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Todd B. Kashdan is the author of several books including The Upside of Your Dark Side (Penguin) and The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively (Avery/Penguin) and Professor of Psychology and Founder of The Well-Being Laboratory at George Mason University.

Read Past Issues Here Including:

1. Cool research study idea - For whom is distress tolerance higher or lower in honor cultures?