Are You Sure You're Mad at the Right Person or Thing?
The unfortunate side effects of feeling outraged.
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You Don’t Know Shit about Your Adversaries
Let’s start with a dose of humility: You probably know far less about your “enemies” than you think. It’s a human tendency—when you feel strongly about something, you assume crystal-clear insight into those who are defined as the opposition. Spoiler: You don’t know bupkis (Yiddish translation for shit).
As for me, I’m politically homeless, wandering the desolate terrain between the extremist margins. If you’re like me, you’ve noticed that the middle ground is increasingly barren, especially in academic and intellectual spaces.
The number of college faculty identifying as “middle-of-the-road” thinkers—those who evaluate evidence like scientists rather than argue positions like lawyers—is dwindling faster than your faith in humanity while driving on a snow-filled highway.
I was reminded of this at the Censorship in the Sciences conference in January. Terrifying stuff. Details here.
Absurd Assumptions About "The Other Side"
If you’re someone who identifies strongly with a particular political party, there’s a good chance you hold wildly inaccurate and often absurd beliefs about people on the other side. Yes, you. Before you get defensive, let’s look at the data.
Child pornography—easily one of the most universally reviled acts imaginable. Yet, according to surveys, Republicans believe that 15% of Democrats are okay with it. Reality check? Fewer than 5% of Democrats find it acceptable. (Side note: Who are those 5%? I’m disturbed they exist, but let’s stay focused.)
Animal abuse—the kind of thing that motivates you to hit your personal record on the bench press and then run 5 miles to calm down. Democrats, on average, believe that 22.8% of Republicans are okay with it. The truth? Again, fewer than 5% of Republicans condone such behavior.
Both sides believe the other is full of monsters, while reality paints a much more complicated and less horrifying picture. These misjudgments are a textbook case of intergroup morality bias—the tendency to see “the other side” as fundamentally deficient in strengths and virtues and generally, less than human.
A Cure for the Bias?
One antidote is deceptively simple: Humanize the opposition. Find a political opponent who shares your disgust for obvious moral atrocities. I guarantee you know at least one person on the “wrong” side of the aisle who doesn’t cheer for cruelty.
Think of your friend who wouldn’t harm a lemur but voted differently than you. The coworker who will patiently recycle every last scrap of paper but has a yard sign that makes you crumple a coffee cup (yeah, you’re a real tough guy/gal). These people exist. They are not caricatures of evil—they’re complicated, flawed, and human, just like you.
My own team has invented an intervention to deal with partisan animosity.
But there are many interventions to deal with not just political animus but everything to do with unnecessary outrage. There is one book I recommend on this topic. One book that has completely reformulated my thinking on how outrage is a universal problem in society and how easy it could be to make a dent.
Outraged: Why We Fight About Morality and Politics and How to Find Common Ground by
Get it - here
(authored by the same scientist who produced that incredible research on animal abuse, tax fraud, and infidelity - mentioned earlier)
I expected to dislike this book. How could another person write about political polarizations, misinformation, emotion regulation, and interpersonal communication? And yet, I was surprised. I loved this book. Crisp writing. Original stories. Rich models to rethink what we are getting wrong about human interactions.
Why Misguided Outrage Harms Everyone
The problem with misplaced outrage isn’t just that it’s exhausting—it’s destructive. It ruins relationships, distorts reality, and makes society worse. When we assume the worst about others, we stop engaging with them in good faith. Dialogue becomes nearly impossible. While we’re busy screaming at strawmen, the actual problems go unaddressed.
We waste our energy being mad at the wrong people or things, tilting at windmills while systemic issues laugh in our faces. It’s like blaming your laptop for slow internet—misguided, ineffective, and infuriating for everyone involved.
Am I the only one witnessing the rise of adults who refuse to deal with disagreements?
Problems are much easier to resolve:
In person (or even the phone)
With no audience
After waiting 24 hours to cool off
It’s not so much the rise in recalcitrant problems. It’s the rise in ineffective communication on ineffective mediums.
Let’s get better at directing our anger, and maybe, just maybe, we can start fixing what’s actually broken.
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Todd B. Kashdan is an author of several books including The Upside of Your Dark Side (Penguin) and The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively (Avery/Penguin) and Professor of Psychology and Leader of The Well-Being Laboratory at George Mason University.
This is a gem and has uncanny timing for me! Ordered Outraged.
Thank you for making me laughing out loud!
I identify as middle of the road, centrist if you will: I’ve volunteered for the conservatives here in Canada, canvassing, policy review, even speech writing for a candidate and a federal minister.
I’ve come to realize I’m a social liberal and a fiscal conservative. However, it’s getting harder and harder to talk my friends and family on both sides of the political spectrum.