When Goodbyes Are Never Said

Unraveling the Concept of Ambiguous Loss

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Language dictates consciousness.

This simple mantra has numerous downstream consequences.

It’s why describing what you feel in very precise terms offers a sense of ease in understanding what we feel and then regulating what we feel to get the best possible outcome in the immediate situation.

It’s why threats to our self-worth (e.g., rejection, relationship break-up, social media pile-on, being the only woman in an executive meeting) can be nullified by describing and discussing how you developed mastery in another domain or how you feel a sense of social belonging in other circles

Some stressors exert greater pain and dysfunction than others, and individual results may vary. Your dead guppy could produce equivalent psychological pain to my car accident with kids in the backseat. Do not guess at someone’s reaction. Maybe, just maybe, you will earn access.

Nobody truly knows what lingers in the lobes of another.

Introducing Ambiguous Loss

I intentionally hold the opposing ideas of absence and presence, because I have learned that most relationships are indeed both - Pauline Boss, Ph.D.

Nearly all of us have the experience of someone disappearing without closure. Maybe a friend ghosted you. Maybe you were forced to leave an abusive romantic relationship, or migrate to another city or country. Maybe you transitioned from combat activity in the military to civilian life. Maybe someone restrains support and care because of a new set of priorities following the birth of a baby, a new job, or simmering conflict. Maybe your child is missing, and the case has never been resolved. Maybe someone you care about didn’t vanish physically but instead psychologically.

Trying to make sense of the “missing person posters” of loved ones following September 11, 2001, several scientists defined ambiguous loss as at least six months of attempting to navigate the open-ended pain “between life and death.”

My grandmother who raised me started developing symptoms of dementia before she died. Parts of her personality disappeared - the wittiness, sense of humor, strong opinions, rational thinking, and memories of when I disappointed her, surprised her, impressed her, and filled her with pride. All of a sudden, I alone held the database of shared experiences. It was a burden that I never complained of because I didn’t have a term for it.

Photo by Mikhail Nilov, that I interpret as the unbridled pain of not knowing something where no answer is available

A Sense of Hope

Don’t trust someone who offers simple solutions to such precarious terrain. If you explore the wide range of people dealing with ambiguous loss, the big theme appears to be hope. Do not, however, confuse the meaning of hope with the valuing of hope.

Hope = Sense of Agency x Generating Multiple Problem-Solving Strategies

Having the motivation to pursue a well-defined goal, known as agency, is a starting point. For that energy to be dedicated to a goal, one must formulate pragmatic routes to reach them and produce alternative courses in case there are obstacles or blockage. When a goal is particularly meaningful in a person's life, such as aligning with core values or a purpose in life, this generates more intense and powerful agency and empowerment.

• Hope for a better future, carefully considering what you can and cannot control.

• Hope for ways to invest in the self, ensuring a vast complexity of strengths and areas of concern are neither forgotten nor collapse.

• Hope for ways to invest in that lost relationship, if considered worthy of commitment.

• Hope for strategies to be appreciative of the past, savoring the positive impact, irrespective of what happens in the future.

There is a dark side to curiosity.

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People with ambiguous loss know this far too well.

There are no stages or phases of grief. It is about living flexibly with difficult days punctuated with hope and resilience. Embrace and lengthen those moments of hope and resilience.

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Leave a comment about your own ambiguous loss and feel free to help others by sharing your coping strategies. If you enjoyed this, please spread the word! Or click the heart button (always appreciated). Don’t be shy, leave suggestions, constructive criticisms, and dare I say, a few positive words about what resonated. Leave comments here or on LinkedIn Instagram and Twitter.

For Building Mental Fortitude to Potential Threats and Losses:

Check out my award-winning book, The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively. Do me a favor and send a copy to a recent high school and college graduate!

Read Intriguing Past Issues Here:

1. Paid subscribers to Provoked will get first access to an article and special issue I am editing on the dark and light sides of curiosity.

2. For more, please see the work of Dr. Pauline Boss. A quick review here. A New York Times article here. A NPR interview here. And her fantastic book here.