The Probability of Being a Great Father
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I’ve been spending a great deal of time thinking about my childhood and the underappreciated trials of being a boy - and then a man. How these trials are even harder for the large percentage of kids without access to a father. Count me in those numbers.
As for an unflinching look at the price paid, some data show that children growing up without a father are 30% more likely to repeat a grade, 70% more likely to get suspended or expelled, and 42% less likely to get mostly A’s in school (link). Results that adjust for students family income, parent education, race, sex, and age. Similar detrimental effects are found for criminal activity and mental heal
Even with a father present, many kids still lack someone truly invested in their welfare. Plenty of sociologists (and culture war fanatics) bemoan uninvolved fathers in Black households. In truth, evidence suggests little difference from White and Latino fathers. Fatherless issues extend beyond racial boundaries. In many cases, Black fathers are more involved than White and Latino fathers. (A reminder to trust but verify the next article you read.)
If you dissect the numbers carefully, you can see how lucky someone is to land a great father. Consider that 1/3 of children with a dad will not be asked about what they did today - such a low threshold!
And this leads me to a story of a man named V in Brooklyn, New York describing the opposite - a great father. Because we cannot understand how to fix the problem unless we know what the solution should look like. From his own words:
I had the good fortune to have a WWII vet as a father. He was tough, but fair, and never treated me any other way than protected and loved.
A case in point, when I was about 8 years old or so, we watched a sad movie and I went to bed and cried. This man, tough and resilient, who had experienced the worst of war, came into my room and told me it was ok for a man to cry. He also told me to always walk away from a fight, but if I couldn’t, that I should finish it. He never raised his voice. He was a well-rounded disciplined man with a strong sense of self. What we are lacking today is not happy sons, its good father like my dad.
Hits me hard every reading. It’s what I wanted. It’s what I try to provide my kids.
As we ponder the mental health crisis of youth, and spend an inordinate amount of time addressing social media and smartphones, let’s not forget the basics of human development - parents who nurture children’s psychological needs.
What does a great father do? A loving father teaches his kids stuff, makes them laugh, helps them solve problems, guides them toward virtuous behavior, shows mercy and grace, and pours into them a validating mix of confidence and courage.
It’s not just the phones.
Too many humans lack deep human connection at a critical early age.
Without sufficient training, adults will find it hard to rectify deficits and offer something for the next generation.
Endless respect and gratitude for those that get it right. And a deep request that we design support systems so that more fathers can.
For more on parenting, read:
.For more on the problems boys face, read: Peggy Ornstein’s book on young men and these articles in the New York Times and The Atlantic (which I send often to parents raising boys).
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Todd B. Kashdan is an author of several books including The Upside of Your Dark Side (Penguin) and The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively (Avery/Penguin) and Professor of Psychology and Leader of The Well-Being Laboratory at George Mason University.
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Another post that resonates with me. I didn’t have access to a father and my mother had mental health issues.
Thanks for sharing these stats, Todd. This is such an important and complex area. As a father of a four-year-old daughter, I have only worked part-time these last four years so I could invest in her and our relationship. It's been the best decision of my life, but I am also privileged. Privileged because spending hours with her are the best moments of my life, and because I'm able financially to do it. Given that income inequality between the sexes these days seems to be mostly the cost of being a mother, there's no doubt in my mind that being a father who invests a huge amount of time in his kids has a huge financial cost too. I think it's easily worth it, but not everyone can do it. Many fathers need to work long hours, even 6 or 7 days a week, to provide for their families. Financial inequality is a nasty beast.
I think, also, we have a huge genetic disparity at play too. There are many fathers who haven't been able to be there for their kids -- their fault or not (e.g., early death) -- and yet they have given the incredible gift of a certain set of genes that lead to above-average health outcomes, longevity, intelligence, happiness, etc. Obviously, there should be no accolades in such a genetic lottery as it's all chance, but there are many factors involved.
Thanks for an important message Todd.