The Emotional Echo: Can Our Ability to Manage Emotions Extend to Others?
NOTE: I love amplifying the voice of researchers who get insufficient accolades. For the prior post in this series, click here for Tsachi Ein-Dor's killer work on the hidden power of anxiety.
Imagine a world where your ability to navigate your own emotional landscape not only benefits you but also those around you.
Is this our world?
What are the social benefits of people superior in the art of emotional management? People who integrate the lessons of Robert Greene's 48 Laws of Power and Susan David's Emotional Agility.
Access the answer below…
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Imagine being a masterful horror movie director, adept at manipulating audience emotions, but struggling when it comes to coaching an actor to portray fear convincingly (watch this later). This is akin to the intriguing findings of Noa Boker Segal, Danfei Hu, Shir Ginosar Yaari, and Maya Tamir. They discovered that being skilled at managing your own emotions doesn't necessarily equip you to help others manage theirs.
When we talk about managing our own emotions, or self-oriented regulation, we're referring to strategies in self-help books. These include cognitive reappraisal (changing how we think about a situation), distraction (shifting attention away from the stressor), acceptance (acknowledging emotions without trying to change them), and social support seeking (reaching out to others for comfort or advice). People who frequently use these strategies are generally good at altering their own emotions in desired directions. However, this doesn't translate into being able to help others do the same.
On the flip side, other-oriented regulation, or helping others manage their emotions, involves strategies like enhancing positive emotions in others, soothing, and perspective taking. The researchers examined how strangers interacted in a single encounter, where the emotional stakes were miniscule. In this scenario, people didn't have the chance to get to know each other intimately.
Interestingly, the researchers found that the ability to regulate one's own emotions and the ability to help others regulate theirs had different effects on how close these strangers felt to each other. People good at managing their own emotions didn't necessarily feel a stronger connection to the stranger, and vice versa. But when people were good at helping others manage their emotions, both parties felt a strong bond by the end of their communication.
Here's a Bonus Finding:
Both the person trying to regulate the emotions of the stranger (by soothing them, supporting them, etc.) and the stranger being regulated experienced a substantial decline in negative emotions after each attempt at emotion regulation - and a pretty big influence (a correlation of -.52!!) suggesting “the more the target’s negative emotions decreased during the other-oriented emotion regulation task, the more they attributed such changes to the regulator.”
This fits with a body of work suggesting that helping someone else feel better gives own emotional well-being a boost. The data support commonplace advice: if you want to feel less depressed and anxious, consider an alternative to therapy or a pill - be kind and compassionate to someone else.1
Rethinking Ripple Effects
We all know that person who remains calm in the face of adversity, who can turn a heated argument into a constructive conversation, or who can lift the mojo of a room with just a few words. These individuals possess a skill that goes beyond simple emotional intelligence. They have an ability to manage not only their own emotions but also influence the emotional states of others. The ability to self-regulate and the ability to manage the emotions of others, however, are two distinct skills.
Ripple effects. Emotional contagion. These are wonderful, albeit overapplied concepts. Recent research raises questions about how often or reliably this happens. When you find yourself in an emotionally challenging social situation, an ability to manage your emotions often fails to extend beyond you. Your emotion regulation skills says little about whether you can influence the emotional state of those around you. Some of us are great, some of us are good, some of us are inconsistent, and some of us suck.
How would your closest friends say you fare?
It is these contingencies that are going to help us arrive at a better understanding of regulating the self and how this may or may not aid others in their quest to feel something else. I say something else because sometimes that person next to you doesn’t want to feel joy or love, they want to feel indignation, regret, or envy - because it helps them reach a goal that at least in the moment, is more important than positivity.
Provocations
It is important to know when we excel and when we suck. In what scenarios do you find that others' emotional well-being improves after interacting with you, particularly when you're busy regulating your own emotions? And when do others show a decline in well-being during these self-focused moments of yours?
As you reflect on that, contemplate a few extensions of emotion regulation.
A Day in the Life of an Emotional Altruist. Imagine a day where you focus solely on helping others manage their emotions. How might this change your interactions?
The Emotional Island: Master of Self, Stranger to Others. Picture a scenario where you're able to perfectly manage your own emotions but struggle to help others do the same. How would this impact your relationships?
Emotional Equilibrium: Utopia or Monotony? Envision a world where everyone is skilled at both self-oriented and other-oriented regulation. What might this world look like? Would it be boring? Utopian?
Since few of us are taught how to balance self and other in the moment, we will only get better with deep contemplation and a commitment to experiment with better ways. Let me know how you fare. Let me know what resources help you.
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Read Past Issues Here Including:
Here, I refer to low-grade anxiety and depression, not clinically impairing forms such as anxiety disorders and major depressive episodes. For the best resources on treating these conditions, email me.
We are created for being inter-dependent after a long period of being dependent.
The chase towards independence takes more than it gives.
Unfortunately.
Love this piece and this idea, Todd: “A Day in the Life of an Emotional Altruist. Imagine a day where you focus solely on helping others manage their emotions. How might this change your interactions?”
In that vein, where might we find some of the most concise writing on how to become more of an emotional altruist? Ways best to respond, react, sooth, comfort, etc. that may be more likely to help other manage their experiences, emotions, reactions...?