Against Similar Friends and Romantic Partners: Why I Aim for 48% Opposites

A Response to Tyler Cowen Writing for The Free Press

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I admire my colleague at George Mason University:

Tyler Cowen

. His brain moves fast, and I like fast brains. But when he recently wrote about surrounding himself with “the perfect people for me,” I felt a pang of disagreement.

Do start by reading his beautiful piece for

The Free Press

, housed here. Or at least the short excerpt:

He was making a clean case for a filtered life. Why hang out with people who mostly get you when you can find people who get you entirely? Why tolerate noise when you can have signal?

Because I don’t want a reflection. I want a remix.

Give me the 48 percenters.

Not soulmates. Not clones. People who see the world a little crooked compared to me. People who confuse me just enough to keep me alert. I want friends who force translation. Friends who make me earn the connection. That’s the good stuff. That’s the fertile ground for growth.

Let’s remember that friction is part of the upgrade - in friendships, when choosing romantic partners, and finding great collaborators for creative outputs.

I started a new habit this year — my favorite. I go on long walks with friends instead of hitting bars and pouring bourbon into my face. My primary strolling partner (who my three daughters refer to as my “boyfriend”) works in government intelligence. His job is to track and intercept bad guys moving drugs across borders (where are the women drug lords?). I research social anxiety, friendship, curiosity, creativity, and purpose in life, and teach college students how to think critically. He listens to different podcasts than I do, sends them to me, and we argue about them. We laugh. A lot.

I doubt he’s read a book in the last decade. He votes differently from me. He believes in God. I don’t. But every time we walk, there’s electricity — two operating systems syncing and clashing in real time. Our conversations stretch for miles, both literally and figuratively. It’s thrilling.

If I only hung out with people who shared my background, my beliefs, my preferences, I’d never get these conversations. I’d never be forced to articulate why I believe what I do. I wouldn’t discover where my logic ends or where my assumptions rot. The merger of two separate minds isn’t always smooth, but it’s where the energy lives.

Studies on self-expansion theory show this clearly. The people who most help us grow are not the ones who mirror us — they’re the ones who introduce new tools, new perspectives, new identities to try on. That’s how you expand your sense of self. That’s how you become interesting — and stay that way. That’s how you experience fulfillment.

Here lies a sampling of impressive research to support the benefits of relationships that offer self-expansion. Message me in the Provoked chat room for more. (source)

Go on a Quest to Deviate from Safety and Security.

So here’s the actionable bit. If your calendar is full of people who agree with you, that’s a sign you’re playing it too safe. Invite someone into your life who’s 48 percent aligned. Someone who makes you work a little to find common ground. Walk with them. Talk with them. Don’t rehearse your arguments. Get curious.

Correcting a Misunderstanding About Curiosity

The future doesn’t belong to the most certain people. It belongs to the most expandable ones.

There’s a cost to optimizing your social life. You get comfort. You lose the surprise. Surrounding yourself with “perfect people” might feel like intellectual spa water, but you miss the tension that carves out new parts of yourself. You lose the joy of stumbling across an unexpected truth. You trade expansion for reinforcement. That trade comes with a hidden receipt.

I’d rather be caught off guard.

This isn’t a rebellion for the sake of being difficult. It’s backed by research. The people who most help us evolve are the ones who offer new perspectives, new skills, new ways of being. Not the people who finish our sentences. The people who strategically interrupt us such that conversations burst with pulsing energy. That’s how you widen your map of the world. That’s how you feel alive. Inspired.

Becoming a partner that offers expansion opportunities and burstiness in conversations is something you can learn. Tour the tools offered by

Alison Wood Brooks, PhD

:

**How to Be An Exceptional Conversationalist**

A Plea

The 48 percenters bring playlists I don’t understand. They ask questions I haven’t considered. They make references I have to Google. They’re not a perfect fit. That’s the point.

So here’s my counter-offer to

Tyler Cowen

‘s digital Eden. Don’t seek the perfect people. Seek the slightly dissonant ones. The ones who tilt your axis a bit. Who pull your curiosity in directions it hasn’t sniffed before. Choose the people who make you sweat. Then thank them for it.

They’re not convenient. They’re not frictionless.

But they’ll make you more than you were.

For more on how to become a 48 percenter and leverage them in life and work, click here

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Todd B. Kashdan is the author of several books including The Upside of Your Dark Side (Penguin) and The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively (Avery/Penguin) and Professor of Psychology and Founder of The Well-Being Laboratory at George Mason University.

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