A Redefinition of Self-Actualization
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Self-Actualization is Not a Lifetime Achievement Award
Let’s talk about this “self-actualization” thing. It’s the holy grail of personal growth, the gold standard of living your best life. Maslow painted it as this mountaintop, this exclusive club where only a rarefied few manage to get in. He made it sound like a lifelong quest, something you achieve after decades of self-discovery, after slogging through the trenches of self-help books and therapy sessions. You know, the stuff only the deeply enlightened, self-aware, and absurdly calm people in your life have reached. (And probably upper-middle-class or higher on the economic status elevator to nowhere).
But what if Maslow was wrong? What if this whole thing is a lot less exclusive than we’ve been led to believe?
The Myth of the Static, All-or-Nothing Self-Actualizer
In his research, Maslow noticed something interesting. Peak experiences—those transcendent, mind-blowing moments when you feel more yourself than ever —aren’t reserved for rare people who enter at the age of 63 into a VIP pantheon. They’re moments that anyone can experience at any point. And when they do, they feel like everything clicks. You’re sharp, creative, in the moment, and living with purpose. Your world is clear, you’re not split into a thousand different hanging chads, and everything feels right.
In those moments, you are self-actualized. You’ve tapped into the person you hope to be, even if it’s for a few minutes or hours. You’ve hit that sweet spot of clarity, integration, and being “in flow.”
And when you are in work, parenting, friend, or romantic mode, and feel that your way of being is freely chosen and there is no pressure to act, guess what happens? You feel fucking awesome. More satisfaction with minimal strain and stress.
The problem is most of us think self-actualization is a destination, something you earn after years of struggle. But Maslow says it’s more like an episode—a spurt—where everything comes together. It’s not a label you gain, it’s a brief flash where you are at your best.
The Truth About Being Your Best Self
What happens in these peak moments? You stop overthinking. You’re spontaneous. You’re deeply in tune with yourself, and, paradoxically, more connected to the world around you. The walls between you and your experience dissolve. You’re more independent. More expressive. More “you.” This isn’t some metaphysical, hard-to-grasp concept—it’s moments when your ego takes a back seat to the “real” you.
It’s about being whole. And yeah, maybe sometimes that means just being really damn good at sucking down soup dumplings with nary a splash or resolving a seemingly intractable problem. (Side Note: Why is putting your kids to sleep so fucking hard? We know they will eventually crash, they know it, and yet, parents endure years and years of needless suffering.)
When Was the Last Time You Were Truly Yourself?
Think about the last time you had one of those moments. The moments when everything else faded away, and it was just you, doing what you were meant to do, in the best way you know how.
Was it when you made someone laugh with a joke that landed, perfectly?
Was it when you were immersed in single-leg Bulgarian squats, totally lost in the moment, with no distractions?
Was it when you struck up a conversation with a neighbor, found out they are more astrology than astronomy, more heroin than bubbly cherry vanilla water, and remained open and interested - connecting?
Now ask: How often do those moments happen? Are they rare? Or do you have flashes of them more often than you think?
Frequency, Not Perfection
Maslow’s take on self-actualization doesn’t leave us with some unreachable, all-or-nothing goal. It’s about episodes—more frequent, intense, and experiences aligned with our ultimate interests. When those moments happen often, you’re closer to self-actualizing.
Something That Isn’t Reserved for the Elite!
You cannot buy self-actualization. Artists, philosophers, and monks only get a slight access edge. You don’t have to wait until your birthday deathbed or the words of a supposedly enlightened guru to experience it.
These moments are already happening. Pay attention to uncover your unique pattern of when and how.
And read the scientific article that inspired this issue - here
And read Transcend by
And attend our Ask Me Anything Session on March 20 to discuss the last few articles and more. The Zoom Link is below.
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Todd B. Kashdan is the author of several books including The Upside of Your Dark Side (Penguin) and The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively (Avery/Penguin) and Professor of Psychology and Founder of The Well-Being Laboratory at George Mason University.
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