A Letter to My Adult Twin Daughters - Who Turn 18 Today
Welcome to Provoked! Explore the mission here. This is your one-stop source for insights on Purpose, Happiness, Friendship, Romance, Narcissism, Creativity, Curiosity, and Mental Fortitude! Premium subscribers gain access to special weekly articles, the full archive, chat room, comments, + monthly calls.
Despite being an author for over 15 years, this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever written. My twin daughters, Chloe and Raven, turn 18 today.
What do you say in a moment like this?
I’ve jotted down bits of wisdom for months, whittling them down to 100. But that didn’t feel right—it seemed more like a writing exercise than a reflection of this momentous occasion. I opened the “Daughters” folder on my desktop. Inside were copies of every letter I’ve written to them since birth. At least one per year. It felt like I had already said everything.
Then, I headed to the gym. As I finished leg curls and hack squats, it hit me. I ran home to capture it all. These two have always been my muses because simply put, they’re my favorite people on earth.
Here are choice excerpts of what I wrote them.
For Chloe Only,
Today, you are officially an adult. That’s more than a milestone.
You can now vote in elections. With 18 years of witnessing your intellect and critical thinking, you’ve earned this right long before today. I know you don’t feel a need to affiliate with a political party, as you know that liberals believe strongly in things you support, and the same goes for conservatives; you’ve told me it’s nonsensical to choose a team and pretend smart people who believe smart things should be ignored. I deeply respect you for reaching this conclusion - among many others that deviate from the status quo. You’ve always been able to hold multiple perspectives at once with a high tolerance of ambiguity and complexity. I only wish I had your cognitive flexibility at your age.
You are now in charge of your finances—my role as custodian has officially ended. I’ll never forget last year when we sat together in your room, live on a call with a Charles Schwab representative. He explained accounts and investing strategies, and you were right there, notebook in hand, listening intently. That memory stands out because when I ask college graduates what they wish they’d learned sooner, the answer is always the same: money management. You’ve already developed an interest and growing knowledge base. Just remember this: compounding interest isn’t just for money—it applies to habits too. Start small, stay consistent, and watch the magic unfold.
You are now legally in charge of taking care of what happens to your mind and body. There’s no greater pride for me than observing how seriously you focus on health. What was once a painful ordeal, getting you to work out with me, is now a regimental part of your weekly schedule. You’re careful about what you eat, intentional with your workouts, and always seeking more high-quality knowledge and skills. Yet, you approach it with grace—no perfectionism, no rigid control. You steer away from the extremes, which is a testament to your mental fortitude and flexibility.
For Raven Only,
You can now move anywhere, choose any job, and live however you want. This has been a natural progression—an unfolding storybook about you and the animals. I can still picture you researching reptile shows and exhibits, your eyes lighting up at the thought. I could never say no. It started with you asking me to ask the vendors to hold snakes, lizards, frogs, iguanas, turtles, anoles, and even little crocodiles. With me, the adult being handed the goods, I would turn my back on them so you could quickly do the same. We’d circle the exhibits, repeating the process, and I’d pretend to be interested in buying one, so you could have another chance to cradle them. Your heart would race, your speech would speed up, and you’d come back brimming with facts so detailed and wide-ranging. I often had to feign interest to maintain your long-lasting flow states. Then there were the trips—animal sanctuaries, owl walks, reptile expert talks, 100-mile treks just to meet a hedgehog dealer.
What I couldn’t stop was your relentless enthusiasm and craving for novel experiences. And here you are, 18 years old, accepted into one of the world’s top veterinary schools, ready to pursue the dream you’ve had for over a decade. You’re ready. Hundreds of childhood photos and videos prove that you’ve won a lottery—building a passionate pursuit so deep that most people in their 30s, 40s, and 50s fantasize about a similar fate. For that, I’m grateful. This wasn’t something I controlled, it’s all you.
The right career isn’t just one that pays the bills— it’s the one that lets you wake up interested more often than you wake up dreading the day. Whether or not it involves animals, your identity will never be limited to career ambitions. Your goals and career will change more thank you think, and that’s a sign you’re growing. Write your dreams in pencil, not stone.
You now have the freedom to follow your passion for animal care wherever it leads you. And if the passion wanes, if you decide to move in a different direction, I will offer the same response: unconditional listening, respect, and support for a revised life plan. Do not hesitate to do what you love, even if it’s different from what you love now.
You can now visit new regions of the world on your terms. Together, we’ve shared the greatest travel adventures of my life—Japan and Hong Kong. Summiting Mount Fuji when you were only 11. Dining in Michelin-starred restaurants, savoring each bite with the deliberate pace of tortoises. Sumo matches. Chinese star throwing. Catching fish for dinner. No exaggeration—you’ve been my favorite travel companion – exceeding high school, college, and best friends. You’re low-maintenance, open to experiences, playful, and so attuned to making the most of every moment, no matter how fleeting.
The Coda for Both of Them,
You now have the freedom to make choices without parental consent—choosing jobs, moving to new places, signing contracts, opening bank accounts, getting credit cards, renting apartments, buying property, booking hotels, skydiving, or littering your arms and legs with tattoos. It’s strange, and I never would’ve predicted it. But, none of it worries me.
I raised you to be curious, brave, adaptable, open-minded, situationally aware, analytical, thoughtful, persuasive, and committed to relationships with responsive and caring friends and partners.
We’ve talked about everything that matters—money, drugs, mental health, friendships, love, death, sex, and power. And now, at this origin state of adulthood, I can say with certainty: you are ready.
You are an adult. No better than anyone else, but more prepared and capable of doing whatever you direct your mind to.
While our relationship will change as you spend more time away from me, the most important elements remain untouchable, cemented for as long as there is sand in the hourglass. I will make life decisions with consideration for you and your well-being from the onset.
You are at the center of my universe.
My ventricles expanded when you were born and remain enlarged and connected to you.
I love you. I love being with you. It’s more than any parent could ask for. For this, my gratitude is immeasurable.
I wish every child this amount of affection from adults in their lives. I could have used it.
Help me reach more Provoked readers:
Share this on social media and send it to friends;
Leave a ❤️ and comment;
Subscribe (with benefits such as the chat room and 200+ article archive).
Todd B. Kashdan is the author of several books including The Upside of Your Dark Side (Penguin) and The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively (Avery/Penguin) and Professor of Psychology and Founder of The Well-Being Laboratory at George Mason University.
What a beautiful gift for your girls who have clearly grown up to be amazing young women. I’m sure the 3rd Kashdan will be equally fabulous at 18. 🤩 I would have loved to have received a letter like this on my 18th birthday.
I have 6 more years with my oldest before he turns 18...you've inspired me to add a goal of writing a letter like this to him -- which will require a lot of work in the next 6 years! You and your daughters are so fortunate to have each other. Happy birthday and congratulations on launching your twins!