Trusting Quick-Fire Judgments: How Fast is Your Brain Sizing Up Strangers?
Trusting Quick-Fire Judgments: How Fast is Your Brain Sizing Up Strangers?
Thoughts on Parenting and Stranger Danger
You can't trust people if you can't predict their behavior. This initiates a conflict between two desirable qualities: spontaneity and trust.
Parenting is a Minefield of Contradictions
Nowhere is this more evident than in parenting. You're knee-deep in a sea of cereal boxes, transforming them into a grand castle fit for a mini-king or queen. Or you're flipping pancakes, crafting odd sentences from letter-shaped breakfast delights (think "Bite Me" or "Nasty Stank" for a passive-aggressive morning send-off). You might find yourself engaged in impromptu living room dance-offs or endless rounds of hide-and-seek until someone inevitably gets stuck in the ventilation shaft (again).
All the while, your 11-year-old needs a solid 10 hours of sleep and they're bursting with curiosity about which profane words are off-limits at school and at home. They might proclaim a desire for total freedom, channeling their inner Zack de la Rocha (cue "Anger is a gift"), but too much freedom can be as unsettling as too little. They crave structure and boundaries to navigate, even as they test those limits with mini-rebellions (for tips on healthy rebelliousness, read chapter 10 - here).
To get this right, with the proper mix of spontaneity and trust, we are going to have to rely on some ancient intuitions.
Stranger Danger?
You've got a knack for sizing up strangers. In fact, you're so good at it, you can gauge an individual's trustworthiness in the blink of an eye. No joke, just half a second! That's quicker than a hummingbird's wing flap. Don't believe me? Check out the latest scientific research - here.
It's your first day on a college campus. You're walking around, taking in the sights and sounds, and sizing up groups of students, figuring out who might be your future friends and who's best left alone. And you're doing it all with the speed of a lightning bolt.
Now, let's throw a curveball into the mix. What if one person in a group doesn't quite match the others? Say, they're the lone introvert amongst a flock of extroverts. Does their trustworthiness get tainted by the crowd they're with? You bet it does. Our brains are funny like that. We tend to paint everyone with the same brush, for better or worse.
But here's where it gets interesting. These snap judgments aren't just mental gymnastics. They influence our decisions. Picture yourself as a big shot investor, deciding which groups to pour your money into. Would you invest in a group that has "trustworthy" written all over their faces? Or would you take a gamble on a group that seems a bit fishy? Most people go with the former.
So, the next time you're at a social gathering, remember this: Your brain's got your back. It's working overtime, making quick-fire judgments about everyone around you. And while these impressions might not be spot on, they're a handy tool in navigating the wild waters of social interactions. Just remember, when it comes to strangers, your brain is faster than a speeding bullet.
Making Sense of Chaos
We crave the unpredictable, the spontaneous, the off-the-cuff moments that make life vibrant. Yet, within that chaos, we seek assurance that when all chips are down, there are those we can rely on.
So, as we find ourselves in the crossroads of unpredictable pleasures and predictable assurances, remember: your brain is your ally. An internal compass of little tiny gestures and statements that render someone a little too sketchy or very much comfortable and safe.
Provocative Reversal
Remember, a compass is only as good as the person who reads it.
Be wary of false positives - how will you discern the psychopathic characters among us, trying to deceive? Carefully evaluate motivations. Notice excessively fast attempts to develop or show intimacy.
Be wary of false negatives - when do you hold onto ambivalence a little longer, willing to collect more information before rendering judgment? You are allowed to wait, even asked to render judgment quickly by others. Be the minority voice when desired. Care for yourself first.
Sometimes safety takes precedence. Sometimes expansion does. Know what your primary objective is before, during, and after our ancient mental modules do their thing.
Todd B. Kashdan is an author of several books including The Upside of Your Dark Side (Penguin) and The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively (Avery/Penguin) and Professor of Psychology and Leader of The Well-Being Laboratory at George Mason University.
