The tyranny of outdated gender role scripts
The tyranny of outdated gender role scripts
The benefits of seeking and giving emotional support
When people think about principled dissent, two images appear. First, military personnel questioning a questionable order by superiors (the theme of Top Gun I, II, and with sufficient procreation, III, IV, and V). Second, whistleblowers risking their livelihood to disinfect unethical behavior in business and politics. Remember that every domain requires principled dissent.
How do you reduce hospital errors? Build in a checklist so that any nurse, technician, or employee can point out a missed step. Physicians might not appreciate it. Patients who receive surgery on the proper leg do.
Consider traditional gender role scripts. Women are more inclined than men to seek support from friends and professionals for emotional difficulties.1
There are at least two reasons adults avoid help seeking.
The fear of feeling incompetent
The fear of being a burden on other people
The first reason is self-focused. There’s a false notion in independent countries such as America that individuals are supposed to be ruggedly self-sufficient. If you need help then you are weaker than those that don’t. These social comparisons stem from a basic human need to experience a sense of mastery in managing situations. Ironically, the quickest, effective way to gain mastery is by entering into close relationships with other people integrating their skills, knowledge, strengths, and perspectives into your own.2
Examples of powerhouse relationships far surpass lone geniuses:
Orville and Wilbur Wright
John Lennon and Paul McCartney
James Watson, Francis Crick, and Rosalind Franklin (snubbed of a Nobel Prize)3
The second reason is other-focused. There’s a concern that we will burn out relationship partners if we unload strains. Life is hard enough, why would anyone want to deal with our pain and suffering? That said, when we appreciate other people’s strengths (and one such strength is the courage to be vulnerable) this does not detract from relationships, it serves to increase relationship satisfaction, intimacy, and commitment. There is a caveat - if attending to other people’s strengths is considered too demanding, there is a cost in terms of lower relationship satisfaction and support for their goals. Our team has found that very few people believe there are excessive costs to appreciating a partner’s strengths.
There is a growing body of evidence that people don’t just feel incompetent and burdensome but also a sense of shame when identifying as a person who needs help. What exists is a hypothesis worthy of testing, not an assumption. Are we a burden or boon to other people?
Testing Assumptions
People don’t just find it palatable to give support, they cherish the role. It offers them feelings of happiness and meaning in life. In a study of 1,111 adults, scholars found that giving support to others in need feels good, regardless of whether the giver is introverted or extraverted, or experiencing intense, difficult to control negative emotions themselves. A study of adults from 136 countries discovered that spending energy, time, and money on other people is linked to greater happiness, regardless of whether the giver is rich or poor.
Your unwarranted fears are not only hurting you, they deprive other people of opportunities to showcase strengths and experience well-being.
Treat every societal norm as a question worthy of curious exploration. Something to experiment with. In this case, is it better to suck it up and avoid seeking emotional support or safely test the alarm of whether people will be there? I think you’ll be surprised at just how much you gain by reaching out. Just as you relish being there for your friends, let them do the same.
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Extra Curiosities
Let’s not limit the discussion of help-seeking to adults. Listen to my podcast interview on how to cultivate mental fortitude in youth with Dr. Caroline Buzanko on Parents of the Year.
If you want concrete tips on help-seeking, check out my podcast interview with Ofosu and Leah on Well Balanced.
Make sure to enjoy my latest book recommendation for summer, Jerks at Work by Dr. Tessa West. Besides being a renowned social psychologist, she is really, really funny. Far too rare in the non-fiction space where authors take themselves seriously. I promise, you’ll love it.
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Dr. Todd B. Kashdan is the author of The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively (Avery/Penguin) and a Professor of Psychology who leads The Well-Being Laboratory at George Mason University.
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One of many, many reasons why adult women (on average) possess a larger number of close friendships compared with men. What do you think is one of the best predictors of men having deeper friendships? Marriage with a woman. Hopefully, as gender role scripts are challenged the quality and quantity of friendships will be increasingly untethered to marital status. If only society offered courses on how to curtail loneliness. Both as an important end itself and to reduce the healthcare costs of loneliness. It is such an obvious strategy where spending money on prevention will lead to great financial, physical, and psychological dividends later.
Fun fact: when I entered psychology, my first position was as a research assistant for Dr. Arthur Aron. You will find a different ode to his research contributions n each of my three books. Check out Chapter 5 - Attract People Who’ve Got Your Back (how to off-load some of the pressure while defying the status quo). My synthesis of how to make friends as an adult, with guidance on which type of friends are best.
I was talked out of using her story in my last book. At some point I will write my piece on Rosalind Franklin. The reason they told me to ditch the story? It was too negative. Contact me and let me know if you prefer uplifting stories over interesting albeit Debbie Downer stories. And if you need an uplift, it is arguable whether any video has made me laugh as often as the one in the link in the prior sentence. Do it. Enjoy it. Just don’t get caught by the tyranny of positivity.