The Precarious Tightrope of Modern Masculinity
And a Utopian Vision of raising boys and girls, and caring for men and women
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I wrote an article that sparked significant buzz. As you glance at the title, pay attention to your immediate reaction.
It's a call to rethink how we view each half of society. A world where extend can be extended to all: girls and women, boys and men.
When we label boys as potential wrongdoers from a young age, we set them on a path that mirrors low expectations - a world where we instinctively suspect malice in their words and actions. What happens next is often a self-fulfilling prophecy. They meet our low expectations, growing into the very shadows feared, not because of destiny, but because we pushed them there.
Consider the incarcerated. Many will eventually rejoin our communities. How we treat them during their time away determines who they become upon returning. If we choose to shame and punish without offering a path to redemption, they emerge as embittered souls, disconnected from society. Their frustrated need for belonging finds solace in familiar, destructive criminal circles that welcome them. Which is enticing because they’ve got bills to pay, mouths to feed, because there ain't nothing in this world for free (Cue Cage the Elephant - here). Hence, the cycle perpetuates.
Consider the concluding comments from a recent meta-analysis of 116 studies on what impact prisons have on reoffending since 2010 (here):
America’s reliance on incarceration is unlikely to wane in the near future. However, the results of the current study illustrate that incarceration is not achieving one of its oft-desired goals of deterrence. While there is certainly a subset of high-risk offenders for whom incapacitation is warranted, in general, placing individuals in custodial sanctions appears to contribute to, rather than reduce, reoffending. As a result, sentencing low-level offenders and marginal felons to non-custodial sanctions may lead to considerable savings for correctional departments and allow offenders to be connected to and contribute to their communities while reducing reoffending.
We must break this cycle - in the criminal justice system and anywhere where the assumption of positive intent is broken.
Boys and men deserve more than suspicion and dismissal. They deserve understanding, guidance, and the opportunity to prove their worth. By nurturing rather than neglecting, we can transform potential into promise, ensuring a brighter future for all.
The Deep Conversation
A podcast duo
hosted me for a 90-minute deep dive into this topic. This might be my favorite conversation on sex and gender in the 20 years my mission has been to educate the public about psychological science.Caveat: Please, resist the temptation to overlook this dialogue because it's three men speaking. Listen first, then share your thoughts. I promise, this is a juicy episode - Jon and Will are the curious, thoughtful, active listeners, who interject skillfully in a way that we all dream of in social gatherings.
If you don’t want to hear the entire thing, below I include timestamps of topics covered. Jump around. Just don’t miss the last section where I offer stories about being a father of three beloved daughters!
Or listen in the gym or on the road here:
TIMESTAMPS:
00:00:00) Introduction to what initiated this Conversation
(00:01:06) Steps individuals can take to address sexism
(00:01:48) Introduction to me
(00:03:10) Grounding practice with one breath
(00:04:14) Discussion of my article "Men Deserve Some Compassion"
(00:05:11) Todd's personal journey and understanding of masculinity
(00:07:17) Role of sports in Todd's life
(00:09:24) Competence and social capital from sports
(00:12:21) Changing the narrative of male privilege
(00:15:17) Zero-sum game in gender dynamics
(00:18:07) Perspective-taking and perspective-getting
(00:22:02) Societal indicators and gender bias in authorship
(00:23:46) Precarious manhood hypothesis
(00:28:00) Psychological tools for men
(00:31:05) Effortlessly being yourself
(00:36:04) Todd's personal story of injury and identity
(00:38:02) Developing self-confidence and courage
(00:39:59) Psychological impacts of precarious manhood
(00:43:29) Teaching children about masculinity and relationships
(00:44:54) Todd's experience raising daughters
While listening use the trinity of psychological strengths - curiosity, humility, and courage. It will keep you open-minded with the greatest opportunity to learn something and add something.
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Todd B. Kashdan is an author of several books including The Upside of Your Dark Side (Penguin) and The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively (Avery/Penguin) and Professor of Psychology and Leader of The Well-Being Laboratory at George Mason University.
Read Past Issues Here Including:
15 Creativity Myths, Led Zeppelin, and Book Writing Tips
If you are a free member, I’m grateful and you get at least one weekly issue. If you have the resources, please become a paid subscriber, support this hard work, and join the uber-supportive Provoked community. You also get access to workshop/teaching exercises such as in the post below.
Hey Todd - here's something that I've long been wondering. It's a controversial idea, but I'm trusting you and your audience to recognize that I'm coming from a place of genuine curiosity.
What if a portion of the MTF transgender interventions are due to individuals (young and old) feeling incapable of meeting manhood standards? Perhaps it's an unconscious desire to avoid (or be free of) the oft-times suffocating standards of masculinity? Precarious Manhood suggests an aggressive response to threats to masculinity (the Fight response when faced with threat). What if there's a counterbalance that suggests that some individuals respond with an avoidance tactic (the Flee response when faced with threat)?