Men Deserve Some Compassion
Men Deserve Some Compassion
Debunking Universal Myths
This is part of a series challenging mental health norms. Read the first of the series - here - and the second - here.
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When I was just a toddler, my father chose to leave us. Suddenly, my twin brother and I were raised by a single mother. Father figures? I scrounged for them in odd places. I remember the sting of watching other kids dribble a basketball while I stood clueless on how to play. Or the embarrassment of learning to ride a bike at age 9, under dim street lights on a block far away from home, guided by an equally embarrassed babysitter. Then there was the time in high school when I had to ask a friend to teach me the basics of car maintenance in a park after too many flat tires and dead batteries. Martin filled the roles of best friend and father for me - something we only talked about in our 30’s. I wouldn't exactly call this a privilege. Sure, it sharpened my social skills and taught me a thing or two about resilience, or as some might call it, 'antifragility'. But, given a choice, I wouldn't wish for a fatherless childhood on the third day of Hanukkah.
Male Privilege
Right now there is a prevailing view that men are privileged. Every member of this group can be generalized as being in possession of this modern indictment: privilege. And thus, they need to take a back seat.
It is sufficiently ingrained to be voiced publicly, regularly:
Men dominate casual conversations, professional meetings, every possible genre of journalism, and even Twitter. Because men are constantly being told that their opinions are worth hearing, they are confident enough to constantly express their opinions. And because women are incorrectly perceived as the more talkative sex, they struggle to push back against this deeply entrenched sexism without being labeled as aggressive or unreasonable. There’s no easy solution to this maddeningly persistent issue, but there are several steps each individual can take. Teachers need to make a constant, genuine effort to listen to and respect their female students. Women need to remind themselves that they deserve to be heard as much as anyone else.
And men?
You guys need to take a step back.
I nod in agreement with the 3rd and 4th to last sentences. It’s those last two sentences that are problematic. Why are we playing a zero-sum game?
The Precarious Manhood Hypothesis
There is an alternative viewpoint worth considering. It will require you to consider that some boys and men are still trying to make sense of their world, and life is hard for them (just like everyone else). Not all of them won the cortical lottery to be physically fit, mentally healthy, or skilled enough to succeed as an adult without meaningful social and financial support.
Imagine manhood as a castle built on sand. Impressive on the outside, but vulnerable to the tides. It's not a birthright, but rather a status that must be fought for, won, and defended. This is the essence of the 'precarious manhood' theory. Unlike womanhood, which is often seen as a natural, biological progression, manhood requires constant proof. It's a fragile badge of honor that can be easily tarnished or lost.
Picture a man's social status as a tightrope. On one side, he's adopting societal expectations. Must be competitive. Must showcase power and strength. Must be willing to take risks. Must be active. Must be decisive. Must be situated as someone who can be an ample provider to others. On the other, he's wrestling with the fear of being unable to live up to this caricature of masculinity and will lose any status that comes with it. It's a high-stakes balancing act, and the fear of missteps leads to anxiety and stress.
Why is Manhood Precarious?
The roots of this belief might lie in our evolutionary past. Historically, men had to compete for social status and resources to secure a mate. Those who were successful in proving their manhood publicly had a better chance of attracting potential partners. In this competitive environment, men at the bottom of the social hierarchy risked being denied the opportunity to reproduce at all. This stark disparity may have led to the view of manhood as something that had to be earned, over and over.
Alternatively, social roles and labor division based on physical differences between men and women contribute to this view. Men, due to their larger size and strength, traditionally undertook high-risk, high-reward tasks. The risky nature of these tasks meant that some men gained significant status, while others risked little and remained at the bottom. This variance in status made achieving the title of a 'real man' a precarious proposition.
Regardless of its origins, the concept of precarious manhood is real. Not universal. But affecting a meaningful swath of young men and adults. A fixed notion of what a boy and man should be has psychological implications. Reminded of the uncertainty of their manhood, men experience anxiety, aggression, or both. Understanding the roots and implications of precarious manhood is key to redefining what it means to be a man.
Responding to the Pressure
So, how do men respond to this pressure? How do they regain their footing when they teeter on the brink? One answer, it seems, lies in the bottom of a glass. Yes, you heard right. Alcohol. Men often view drinking as a way to reaffirm their masculinity, to regain their social status, and to prove their manhood.
Let's pause for a moment and think about this. Alcohol, a substance known for its mind-altering effects, becomes a tool for men to assert their dominance, showcase their risk-taking prowess, and demonstrate their strength in achievements - whether work ambitions, the mating game, or athletic and artistic achievements. The more they drink, the stronger the association between alcohol and the regaining of manhood becomes. It's a vicious cycle, and one that's hard to break.
But why alcohol? Well, it's tied to the expectations of what drinking can do. It's believed to make men feel courageous, sociable, and even a better lover - all traits that align with societal perceptions of masculinity. This might explain why men who feel their masculinity is threatened tend to drink more. It's a misguided attempt to restore their status and reinforce their manhood.
Except - existing research fails to support this compelling idea. I raised the specter of alcohol as one way of responding because it seems logical. A simple explanation for a complicated societal issue. And this is what we do too often - rely on intuitive appeal instead of evidence. As a result, psychological difficulties linger.
The truth is, we are still figuring out the strange ways that men respond to threatened masculinity. There is evidence that this problem exists, and it is just as difficult to be a Black or White man who is questioned about their possession of sufficient masculinity. when a man believes their masculinity is being questioned, aggressive thoughts and impulses rise. Furthermore, men show greater forcefulness and aggressiveness in front of other people - as if they are showing tiny bits of proof that they are a man and ready to defend this societal position. Not so for women who believe their femininity is being questioned.
Provocations
The precariousness of manhood is a real-life struggle for many men. Not all men. But when has it ever been a useful idea to describe an entire demographic with similar traits? Precarious manhood is a battle fought in the shadows, away from the public eye. By shining a light on it, we can start to understand it better. We can challenge societal norms and expand the bandwidth of what it means to be a man. We must allow for far more variability than protagonists of westerns and muscular bound characters dominating athletic fields, courts, and gyms.
Men can be sensitive, empathetic, nurturing, creative, and expressive, just as they can be strong, assertive, and competitive. The spectrum of masculinity is vast, and it's time we recognized, celebrated, and nourished more shades.
Expand the Definition of Masculinity
Teach boys that it's okay to express emotions openly. Encourage them to talk about feelings and show compassion towards others. Encourage them to share their fears, insecurities, and dreams with others.
Set a good example of what a healthy relationship looks like. Teach boys the importance of respect, communication, and consent in all relationships.
Redefine strength not just as physical power, but also as mental resilience and the ability to overcome adversity.
Encourage boys to explore a wide range of interests. Whether it's art, music, sports, or science, let them know that their passions and interests are valid and valuable.
Teach boys that taking care of their physical, mental, and emotional health is important. Encourage them to engage in self-care activities, such as exercise, meditation, or spending time in nature.
Encourage boys to express themselves creatively. Whether it's through art, music, writing, or dance, let them know that their creative expressions are valued and appreciated.
Encourage boys to stand up for others and be allies. Teach them the importance of speaking out against injustice and supporting those who are marginalized or oppressed. For concrete tools and strategies for being a defender and ally, make sure to check out:
Todd B. Kashdan is an author of several books including The Upside of Your Dark Side (Penguin) and The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively (Avery/Penguin) and Professor of Psychology and Leader of The Well-Being Laboratory at George Mason University.
