The Music Coolness Spiral of Death + 40 Big Predictors of Trust
Lessons Learned From Ending a 20-Year Friendship
I bought tickets for three consecutive shows of Fugazi at Irving Plaza in New York City. Back then, I believed the best place to meet your future partner was at a live concert of your favorite band. This idea was grounded in the notion that the music we love in youth shapes our lifelong tastes.
Consider the “Coolness Spiral of Death” When young, we gravitate toward music popular within the groups we belong to or aspire to join—be it pop, rap, punk, country, or EDM. It's about fitting into a social niche. As we age, the music that stirs emotions takes precedence over the approval of others. This shift aligns with a courage to be disliked that emerges in our 40s and 50s.
It’s strange that musical tastes solidify with the onset of puberty. A finding that raises questions about how our biology and childhood relationships influence particular preferences [article].
In my 20’s, Fugazi1 was the embodiment of cool [here]. A college friend introduced me to someone who offered a flying squirrel in exchange for a Fugazi concert ticket. But when I read about the massive cage required, I simply handed him the ticket.
For years, flying squirrel guy and I shared connections. We were part of a group that hit bars, caught shows, and met at restaurants. Our group chat buzzes with 100’s of messages each month. We’ve stood by each other through graduate school, relationships, marriages, divorces, births, injuries, and surgeries.
Unfortunately, sometimes a relationship runs its course. This week flying squirrel man became unhinged after dinner plans were cancelled. Among several two-page long ad hominems sent to me were threats such as he will go through the archives of private messages, and plaster them all over the internet with the goal of tarnishing reputations.2 Since he posted that threat, there have been 2 text messages posted in our friend group.
With that single threat, everyone is hypervigilant and the social fabric of our group broke down. Now everyone is guarded by the concern that anything written can and will be used against you when flying squirrel man is hurt/angry. Social safety is the foundation to be effortlessly yourself and curiously explore [article].
If you think someone is untrustworthy, there is an infinite loop of strain.
Life is difficult as is. There is no need to hold onto unstable, unreliable characters to increase that difficulty.
This event led me to ask:
What best predicts trust? I found over 40.
What are the essential elements of a strong friendship? I found 6.