Authenticity Illusions: When Trying to Be Real Reveals the Deep Fake

"Sometimes he was up half the night, using tweezers to paste sesame seeds onto hamburger buns or mixing and coloring the salty dough that looked more like ice cream in pictures than real ice cream did."

- Jennifer Egan

Welcome to the wild, wild west of the well-being at work movement - the age of authenticity. We are bombarded with well-meaning, yet hollow, self-improvement mantras - "Be authentic!", "Be true to yourself!", "Live an authentic life!", "Be real!" To find the psychological value, we must do a dumpster dive through cringe-worthy territory.

I noticed something while scrolling through LinkedIn posts, blogs, business articles, and books on authenticity. First, the social media posts.

Do check out the headshots of beloved authenticity gurus. Most photos are meticulously filtered and edited, it's like they've discovered the flawless skin of eternal youth. You click on their videos and for a moment, you're unsure of it's the same person. Authentic? Highly debatable. It’s a dangerous topic to claim expertise as the markers of disingenuousness (what I call the 8th deadly sin - here) and hypocrisy are so easy to spot.

Second, there are the master classes and courses.

not exactly an authentic, realistic photograph, eh?

In authenticity courses, the so-called gurus sound like they're reading from a script, with nary a slip or stutter. Not a single "um", "ah", "you know", or "here's the thing". Guess what? Those fillers are a part of being a truly exceptional presenter.

Our brains use verbal blunders as placeholders while we figure out what to say next. You might be thinking, why doesn't our brain just stay quiet? It's because "um" aids the audience. It signals, "Hey, I'm still talking. There might be a delay in my speech, but I'm not done yet." So those "ums", "ahs", and other fillers aren't dismantling our speech. They play a vital role ironically in clear communication.

If you care about the audience, much less authenticity, not only welcome but insert verbal blunders. One study finds that kids sharpen their attention in the pause following an "um." When a speaker emits verbal blunders, kids end up learning more from the speech than error free speakers who read perfectly off a script. Another study finds that listeners learn faster when speakers babble a bit versus those who are crisp.

We need low stake blunders.

To remove verbal blunders diminishes authenticity but far more important, interferes with the impact of our work.

Staged Homes Are Unlivable

Just like the painstakingly crafted fast-food in Jennifer Egan's opening quote, our attempts to project authenticity can feel like we're meticulously gluing sesame seeds onto a plastic bun. The more we try to make it look "real," the faker it appears. It's like trying to act relaxed when you're as jittery as a squirrel on espresso. The more you try to appear calm, the more your inner caffeine-fueled squirrel shines through.

It's a cosmic joke the authenticity brokers seem to be missing.

So, what's the solution? Well, it's not to stop trying to be authentic. Rather, it's to stop trying to be authentic. Authenticity isn't a performance, it's a state of being.

• When I last cleaned my refrigerator, I found an expired package of ground beef in the back with blood pooled at the bottom. I forgot about this. There’s strange things back there. If you have a family and own a refrigerator, you surely relate.

• When I take my dog Sagan to the vet, I brace myself for the olfactory onslaught - piss and shit. Why? Because animals scared out of their wits don't emit the aroma of vanilla or lavender. As a pet owner, I don't expect vet clinics to tidy the place up and smell like a tropical forest.

• When I encounter acquaintances at the gym, I anticipate a shirt soaked in rivulets of sweat, a grotesque Rorschach inkblot that narrates a tale of exertion. You don’t go to the gym to look pretty - after working out.

Because here's what we know from a variety of studies:

Authenticity is best understood as a momentary state of fit with an existing environment.

Authenticity is not an unbiased, objective evaluation of a person. People who present themselves in an overly positive light tend to be seen as inauthentic.

The Furbo Conflict

We all have this innate desire to be viewed in a positive light - as smart, competent, ethical, creative, and socially appealing. It's a concept sociologist Erving Goffman delves into in his seminal work, The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life. You could wade through the 259 pages of his book, or check out my conversation with Michael Bungay Stanier where we chew on this conundrum.

We don't want to be caught red-handed putting in the effort to meticulously craft this glowing self-image. No siree, we're after that badge of authenticity. We're chasing what the Italians call "Furbo." We're constantly on the lookout for sly, sometimes even deceptive shortcuts to flaunt our awesomeness without being seen as breaking a sweat.

My advice is simple - treat authenticity as a perpetual problem. You will never resolve the conflict. It's like living with a partner where one of you thrives in a tidy environment because it gives a sense of control, while the other revels in a bit of chaos, finding it fuels their creativity. There's no final resolution here. Just two people learning to navigate and appreciate each other's quirks.

Acknowledge the areas where you're pushing too hard to look natural and celebrate those that feel natural. Because that's when you start sounding like a real, flesh-and-blood human being - wrestling with the paradox of staying authentic in a world filled with situations where you're the square peg in a round hole, but every now and then, you find a square hole.

Let's dial up the realism a notch, shall we?

Become a mega supporter by upgrading for the full experience. This weekend - paid subscribers get the results of our latest curiosity work - hint, how do they cope when a novel situation promised is withdrawn?

Provocations

1. The Flexibility Challenge

What if authenticity is not about being true to yourself, but adapting to the environment around you?

For one week, consciously avoid trying to be "authentic." Instead, focus on being present and responsive in your interactions. Focus on adapting to different environments instead of maintaining a consistent persona.

Observe how this shift in mindset affects your relationships and interactions. You might find that by attending to what lies outside-the-self allows for more fluid and genuine connections.

What’s interesting is that this social situation-shifting self is normative in collective countries such as Japan and unusual in individualistic countries such as the United States and Australia.

2. The Pressure Release

What if the pursuit of authenticity is just another form of social pressure?

Let go of the social pressure to be authentic for a week and see how it changes your behavior. You might find that without this pressure, you're free to explore different aspects of your personality and express yourself in new and unexpected ways. You might stop defining yourself as a personality type (extraverted or compassionate) and instead see how it feels to be on every point on the personality spectrum.

3. The Collective Merger

What if authenticity is not about revealing our true selves, but creating a persona that fits societal expectations?

For a week, instead of finding yourself in the tired quest of being authentic, view authenticity as a group instead of solo performance. This isn't about you expressing your true self, it's about how your self interacts with the selves of others.

Are you searching for the social bids that other people make (click here for details)? What’s your ratio of accepting them, even when busy? And how often are you making social bids for your authentic needs such as novelty and intrigue?

Observe how this shift in perspective affects your interactions and relationships. You might find that authenticity is less about individual expression and more about being a strong, contributor who cares deeply about the health and longevity of particular groups that you are a member of.

---

Read Past Issues Here Including: