This is a Four Year Test of How You Handle Uncertainty + Emotional Reactivity

Maintaining Purpose and Friendships Over the Next 4 Strange Fucking Years

There are a lot of swirling feelings of uncertainty, anxiety, anger, disgust, confusion, and dare I say interest/intrigue/wonder over last night’s presidential election.

I'm not here to discuss the political fray—you can find that elsewhere. What captivates me are the themes of purpose and friendship. These are the motivations and connections that guide us through discombobulated times.

Purpose

You woke to the same neighborhood you fell asleep to. The very same neighbors walk their dogs, joggers stride past houses, and the crossing guard guides grade school kids safely through morning traffic. Gather your strength. When you have a moment alone, don't ask, "What do I do now? How do I function over the next four years?"

Keep doing the good work. Build bridges, not walls. Lead with compassion, curiosity, creativity, and courage. Persist in the demanding work of standing up for those without a voice. Dismantle broken systems, large and small. Set the best example for the children. Be a vessel that soothes the nervous system of others with offerings of support and yes, joy. Draw pictures and organize words that speak of untold stories. Text, call, hug, and maintain eye-contact as a moment of love for someone you care about - and let yourself be receptive to the same. Continue right where you are, living into your days.

The building blocks of a life of meaning and purpose is nothing more than moments. Choose to do something that you have a natural talent and inclination towards. Choose something that is a reliable source of vitality. Seek to move out of the public spotlight and attend to the shit that matters - the projects, the relationships, and not external validation.

And if you're not "continuing" all of the above, with people you are interested or invested in — what have you been doing? What are you waiting for?

Why Defining Your Purpose Matters

Friendship

Don’t lose high quality friendships over an election. Or any argument over issues and tasks tangential to your relationship. While national elections could have an impact on your day to day wellbeing it pales in comparison to the supportive, beloved characters at the center of your social network.

I know that this might seem like an absurd concept but yes, you can be friends with someone who holds a different value system than you, as long as they do not seek to impede the well-being of others.

While people may appear to have fundamentally different views on what’s right and wrong (on big issues), they often share similar underlying moral foundations. These include care, fairness, loyalty, authority, and purity. The intriguing part is that we often strive for similar goals, just through varied paths. We can uncover common ground and foster connections, even amidst apparent differences. But this requires the deployment of strengths:

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My next door neighbor is very religious, very conservative, with strong views about women’s rights that I strongly disagree with. He is also an incredible father and husband, and with his church, volunteers time and money with the destitute, abused, and forgotten members of society. These are qualities I admire greatly. I don’t care about his politics or the details of his moral foundations. I witness his actions daily and they are virtuous. As such, being close friends is easy.

What is the architecture of a strong friendship?

1. There is a goal of pleasure. There is an expectation that both parties enjoy each other's company and show relatively equal amounts of appreciation and enjoyment. You know each other. You try hard not to offend and try even harder not to be offended. With little worry about whether you will do something wrong, the two of you are at ease just being who you are and making the best of shared moments. Goodwill offers a foundation for frequent pleasurable moments.

2. There is a sense of duty. There is an expectation that you will act in your friend's interest without being forced to, without being told to, without being accountable. Their wins and losses are you own and you act accordingly. Shovel snow together, you split the money evenly. You are trustworthy and you trust them.

3. There is a high level of empathy. There is an expectation that both parties will try to understand each other's perspective. You will not always agree but you put in the work to understand who they are, where their motivations lie, and attempt to seek agreement when discord arises. Your differences make each of you stronger as there is a pooled set of knowledge, insights, and resources for each of you to draw from. You will not necessarily meet at the midpoint during disagreements. You will not necessarily have an evenly balanced ledger at the end of a night, week, or month. But there is a commitment to being fair and including the other person within your sphere of moral concerns.

A solid friendship possesses each of the three features above but some friendships contain fewer. There are three lesser types.

• Pleasure only = a “buddy” or the fun guy or gal who is the source of an occasional good time.

• Duty only = an old friend; the person you went to school with and feel you have to meet for dinner when they are in town but you don’t really know them anymore.

• Empathy only = collegial and caring neighbors or colleagues; without a collection of shared moments of pleasure and/or vulnerability, the relationship lacks depth.

Friendship is a two-way street. In a solid friendship, both parties agree on the quality of the friendship. Both parties agree on the purpose of a friendship. Both parties might think a friendship is great. Alternatively, both parties might think the friendship is subpar. And weirdest of all, there might be a lopsided situation where the parties don’t agree on the quality or purpose.

This brings up to the fragility of adult friendships. The notion of discarding relationships because of the way a friend votes is a strange endeavor. Scrutinizing someone else's value in your life based on their personal political views is antithetical to solid friendships. Asking someone to hold identical political views to your own or risk being negatively evaluated or banished is antithetical to friendship. In adulthood, spending time with close friends is crucial to well-being; far more so than interactions with family members. It is not the number of friends rather the quality.

Proclaiming that ideological allegiance is a necessary precursor to friendship is basically a threat to all of your friends: Above all else, my commitment to you is contingent on what I believe.

For this and every other presidential election, I want my friends to know that our relationship is not contingent on who they vote for. I do not remove people from my life because they possess belief systems that fail to mirror my own. We already established a mutually reciprocal relationship where some combination of pleasure, duty, and empathy reign. You do not have to wake up each day proving your worth. You do not have to worry whether your every move passes an ideological purity test.

Designating friendships as fragile offers no such benefits other than a short-term feeling of moral righteousness.

Political figures come and go.

Let need-satisfying friendships outlast them.

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Todd B. Kashdan is an author of several books including The Upside of Your Dark Side (Penguin) and The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively (Avery/Penguin) and Professor of Psychology and Leader of The Well-Being Laboratory at George Mason University.

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