Misunderstandings that Screw Up Conversations
Misunderstandings that Screw Up Conversations
The Science Behind Compelling Companions
I discovered something while teaching my 9-year-old daughter a Pilates exercise called the Roll Up. She cannot lift her torso off the ground more than a few inches. We tried butterfly crunches. Hell’s no. Star abs? Zero. Side plank dippers? Not a freaking chance. The two of us could not stop laughing - she has no core! No guilt. No shame. Just checking what she can and cannot do, yet.1
Which led to a physical evaluation of me. Apparently there is no harder activity than...Toe Yoga. Yep, it’s a thing. Barefoot on the ground, I cannot spread my toes. If I try lifting toes 2 through 5 they refuse to leave the big toe behind. Even if I strangulate my big toe with both hands, those four baby toes refuse to budge. My 9-year old silently tapped me on the shoulder and pointed downward. Lo and behold, I witnessed a slow moving wave as her big toe rose followed in turn by the second, third, fourth, and fifth. A sequence she repeated backwards and forwards while announcing, “Who’s the weakling now?” This idyllic moment captures our relationship. I teach her stuff with regular programming breaks to discover she often knows more than me. I laugh with her, never at her. And together we appreciate the absurdity of ourselves, other people, and the world.
Disrupting Cultural Scripts
Despite the vast number of possible conversational openers, you can predict the initial statement with 73.9% accuracy.
“How’s it going?”
“What’ve you been up to?”
“What’s new?”
A predictable question setting up a predictable answer.
“I had this adorable moment with Violet involving Toe Yoga…I’m good. Getting ready for summer pool season. You?”
By behaving in a predictable manner, we give partners the gift of minimal cognitive load and emotional labor.
We do this because we care. We want partners to feel satisfaction and ease. But this well-intended effort is based on a lazy miscalibration that scientists call “perspective-based asymmetry.”
When socializing, we judge our performance. Of utmost importance is competence. How intelligent and witty did we appear? Were we awkward? Did we express ideas clearly? Did we harm our social standing? When judging partners, however, we rely on a different set of criteria. It’s primarily about warmth. Did we feel heard? Did they give us space to speak about what mattered? Did we feel cared for and understood?
By worrying about whether we are socially competent, we spend too much time on information delivery. How an interaction feels matters more than content shared. In the post-mortem, you remember when someone makes you feel warm and welcome. And when you leave an interaction feeling warm, you want to spend more time with that person.
Anyone can join a legion of online amateur photographers with hikes through Angel’s Landing, visits to the aurora borealis, or ocean swims among dolphins. It’s the unique, indispensable actions that draw people in.
Awe-inspiring moments and exotic adventures make for great stories but there is something intimate about allowing someone access into mundane moments. Within our routine ways of acting and relating lies entry into who we are and what we care about.
The greatest self-disclosures arise from opening up about fears, dreams, regrets, desires, and strong emotional experiences such as love, gratitude, anxiety, sadness, indignation, or loneliness.
We reduce uncertainty and emotional labor by sticking to cultural scripts.
We build relationship capital by intentionally disrupting cultural scripts with well-intentioned self-disclosures.
Tell the parenting story. Be sure to include plenty of heartwarming details.
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Extra Curiosities
For enlightening guidelines of how to approach work and relationships differently in the second half of your life, don’t miss this podcast episode with Arthur Brooks on Oprah’s Super Soul (you’re skeptical, I know, so was I).
My two year hunt to find the perfect memory foam pillow has finally reached an end. I must have purchased and returned seven different varieties until finding this UTTU Sandwich Pillow. Your cervical spine will thank me later.
Instead of writing reviews, let me just entice you with the titles of the two fantastic books I’m reading right now: Stop, Ask, and Explore and Nasty, Brutish, and Short: Adventures in Philosophy with My Kids. Read an excerpt in The Atlantic on Why Kids Make the Best Philosophers.
And if you want to develop a muscular core that far exceeds my 9-year-old daughter, look no further than this 25-minute workout. It’s part of my regular regimen.
Dr. Todd B. Kashdan is the author of The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively (Avery/Penguin) and a Professor of Psychology who leads The Well-Being Laboratory at George Mason University.
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I am a strong proponent that parents should always ask for their kids permission before posting anything. To go even further, you must make the default that you won’t post and ask why they might want it up. V really enjoys this video and wanted it posted because “there was so much laughter that it makes me laugh and will probably make others laugh.” That captures a piece of her prosocial personality.