A New Perspective on Conformity

The Underappreciated Gift in Relationships and Workplaces

Conformity often gets a bad rap. It's associated with a lack of originality, a surrender of individuality. But what if we viewed conformity not as a constraint, but as a gift? A gift that makes other people’s lives a little bit easier.

Imagine you're at a fancy dinner party. Everyone's using the salad fork for the salad, so you follow suit. You're not sure why, but it just feels right. This is conformity in action - a social lubricant, reducing friction and making our interactions smoother and more predictable.

Historically, conformity has often been viewed in a negative light. Modern research has highlighted the adaptive value of conformity. It's not just about mindlessly following the crowd or obeying authority, but navigating the social world in a way that balances our individual needs with those of the group.

In the dance of social interactions, conformity is the rhythm that keeps us in step with each other. It's the unseen social contract that we sign. The silent agreement that we abide by. And the currency of this contract? Predictability.

The Gift of Predictability

Conformity isn't just about salad forks at dinner parties. It's a deeply ingrained biological mechanism. Our brains are wired to minimize uncertainty. When we align our behavior with others' expectations, we're essentially giving their brains a break. We're reducing the mental load associated with processing unexpected events in the social environment.

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When conforming to social norms, we're essentially giving others the gift of predictability. We're saying, "Hey, don't worry about me. I'm not going to throw any knuckleballs that will lead to your unwanted embarrassment or confusion."

In personal relationships, this predictability can be a source of comfort and security. It's the reassurance that your partner will be there for you, the certainty that they'll act in ways that are familiar and expected. It's the trust that forms the bedrock of strong relationships.

In the workplace, predictability can be a catalyst for efficiency and productivity. It's the knowledge that your colleagues will meet deadlines, the confidence they'll follow useful protocols. It's the smooth functioning of a high functioning machine.

The Cost of Conformity

But like any gift, conformity comes with a price. It limits our individuality and stifles potential. It can lead us to make choices that align with societal norms but not with our personal values or desires. It's like wearing a mask that fits everyone else's face but not quite our own.

A Delicate Balancing Act

So, how can we strike a balance between conformity and individuality? How can we lighten others' mental load without losing ourselves in the process?

First, we need to recognize when conforming out of habit or fear, rather than genuine interest. This requires self-awareness and honesty. It's about asking: "Am I doing this because it's what I truly care about, or because it's what I think is expected of me?"

Second, we need to give ourselves permission to be different. This means embracing our quirks, passions, and unique perspectives. It means standing up for what we believe in, even if it goes against the grain.

Finally, we need to communicate our individuality in a way that respects others' expectations. It's about finding ways to express our individuality that enrich our relationships, rather than strain them.

Brave Pauses

Conformity is not just a social constraint, but a gift. By striking the right balance between conformity and deviance, and by tuning into emotions that arise (such as guilt¹, pride², surprise³, and shame), we can navigate intricate human interactions with grace and ease.

So, the next time you find yourself in a situation where you're expected to conform, consider the predictability you could offer, the uncertainty you could reduce.

There is an opportunity for a brave pause. A moment where we think carefully about what outcome is desired.

• Should you offer a low-maintenance social interaction that requires only the minimal amount of effort required by others? This is a gift.

• Should you violate expectancies and offer a counterpoint argument? It will prolong a discussion. However, the cognitive liberation of a minority opinion allows people to slow down and think deeply. This is also a gift.

Choose wisely.

Provocations

How often do you conform to lighten others' mental load? How does this impact your relationships?

Have you helped someone feel pride after they conformed to a norm? How did it motivate them to continue this behavior?

How do you strike a balance between conformity and individuality in your personal relationships and in the workplace?

This is a shorter, modified version of Chapters 1 and 2 from The Art of Insubordination (see the end notes for detailed references).

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1. Consider personal norms, the moral obligations that we impose on ourselves. For instance, in a relationship, a personal norm might be telling your partner the truth. In the workplace, it could be meeting deadlines. When we deviate from these personal norms, we experience guilt.

Guilt is a powerful emotion that arises when we violate our personal standards. It's the sinking feeling you get when telling a white lie to your partner or missing a deadline at work. Guilt motivates us to make amends, correct our behavior, and return to a state of compassion and consideration of other’s needs. By recognizing and acknowledging guilt, we can use it as a tool to encourage healthier behavior. For example, if you feel guilty about missing a deadline, you might be more motivated to manage time better in the future.

2. In opposition to guilt, pride swells within us after living up to our personal norms. It's the satisfaction you feel when acting honest with a partner, even when it was difficult, or when you worked late to meet a deadline.

Pride motivates additional personal sacrifices. We feel good about achieving norm-congruent outcomes, heightening the importance of our norms, and encouraging future norm conformity. By acknowledging pride, we reinforce our commitment to our personal norms and inspire others to do the same.

3. Descriptive norms are the behaviors that are common or typical in a given group. They are the unspoken rules that describe what most people do. When these norms are violated, we experience surprise.

Surprise arises when expectations are violated. It's the astonishment you feel when your usually punctual partner is late for a date or when a typically reserved colleague speaks up in a meeting. Surprise grabs our attention, prompting us to focus on the surprising event and updating our understanding of the norm in question. By acknowledging and exploring surprise, we can use it as an opportunity to reassess our expectations and foster a more finely calibrated understanding of norms in question.