A Cost-Benefit Analysis of Having Kids

The Never Ending Debate on Whether Parents are Happy

As I tucked my 5-year-old twins into bed, I realized their understanding of unconditional love:

Raven: Dad, we love you, even if you yell at us. Even if you rip out our eyeballs, we still love you.

Chloe: Are you going to die soon?

Me: Why do you ask?

Raven: If you die and eat our brains, I'll still love you.

What's not to love about kids? The quick answer is a lot. Nearly every parent¹ possesses their own cost-benefit chart. Consider a few pain points:

• romance shifts from when the mood hits to every third Thursday from 11pm to 1106pm (sync those calendars)

• a need to unsubscribe from emails announcing last minute flight deals to Malaysia (not happening)

• reading time constrained to books about fuzzy schoolyard animals who are jealous because Aardvark lost his baby tooth (really compelling drama)

• weekends revolving around five soccer games, four moon bounce birthday parties, three play dates, two lemonade stands, and one craft project with popsicle sticks, wet leaves, and glittery shit that requires hydrochloric acid for removal (a gross overestimation of available time)

• neural atrophy after reducing SAT words to one and two syllable blurts (from “that’s hypocritical” to “just stop”)

• unpaid therapist sessions targeting apocalyptic issues such as who gets to scoop ice cream out of the container first.

Attend to the cost side of the ledger and it’s easy to conclude kids are a terrible idea. The zeitgeist agrees. Articles and essays shout:

Parents Hate Parenting

Parents Are So Unhappy

Parenthood is the Absolute Worst.

In an essay for the Cato Institute, Betsey Stevenson writes,

For every subgroup of the population I analyzed, parents report being less happy than similarly situated non-parents." And even across the Atlantic, newspapers likewise report that children are unhappy because their parents are unhappy.

That said, social relationships described in binary terms should be viewed with skepticism. In parent get-togethers, brains show a hypersensitivity to annoyances. It's easy to forget meaningful, joyous moments because negatives are stronger than positives. Far more interesting, shared pain creates the strongest bonds.

What are Scientists Discovering?

To clarify whether parents experience worse well-being turn to research by Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky at the University of California, Riverside. Her team unleashes a different picture:

In a survey of 6,906 people in the United States, parents reported greater life satisfaction, meaning and purpose in life, but happiness took a slight hit. Notably, married and non-married parents experience similar benefits.² As for fathers, these guys derive even greater satisfaction as a parent. (Of course fathers do, they get to fling kids into couches and treat zucchini and squash as sabers .) There is also some truth to the non-emmy-winning show "Sixteen and Pregnant." Getting knocked up as a kid is linked to a generally unsatisfying life.

In another study, 329 adults were paged five times per day for a week. IN everyday moments parents reported greater happiness, greater meaning in life, more positive emotions, and fewer depressive symptoms than non-parents. Once again, it's good to be a father, as they reported much greater well-being than childless men.

Fun fact: I despise nearly every prototypical male interest from babbling about sports on the tube to shooting guns to opening car hoods

In a third study, the researchers measured the best and worst moments of the day for parents. They asked 186 parents to reflect on their past 24-hours: What did you do? Who were you with? How much positivity and meaning in life did you experience during these moments? The results: Compared to moments when kids were not around, parents had more positive emotions and a stronger sense of meaning in life when taking care of their children. And finally (finally!), moms and dads experienced the same rewards from being with kids.

Don't get me wrong, just as the headlines shout, parenting is hard and there are moments when it sucks. And once in awhile, you might have an itchy feeling about lost selves. The past versions of you, prior to parenthood, when you could stay up all night with friends, dance on car hoods³, and wake up unclothed, confused, with lots of bruises in a thorn bush.⁴

But you have to ask yourself.

What is a cause or person important enough to die for?

What memories are so poignant that you nearly cry?

What matters most?

Provocation

When connecting deeply with your children, retain the sensory details. Capture a snapshot of the visuals, the sounds, the physical sensations in your body, and even the ambient noise. Return to it when you're alone, and recall that moment for 10 seconds. For 10 seconds, close your eyes, sit with it, and relive it in the first person. Let it sink in. Because these moments are the building blocks of the only chance at a meaningful life we get.

The short-term pain subsides.

The meaning endures.

Every life phase is time-limited, so craft experiences with intention. You can bring more curiosity, compassion, and creativity into parenting. Whose rules are you following? Design your own.

If you enjoyed this issue, please leave a ❤️. For more insights & tools, read The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively. Send thoughts & questions. I love hearing from readers.

Additional Curiosities

1. Listen to a short video with two of us answering questions about the role of empathy in organizational cultures. I love the complementary angles.

1. While I use the word parent please know I refer to any primary caregiver of children. I know this first hand as my maternal grandmother raised me.

2. Part of a large body of evidence against the notion that marriage is the pinnacle of a romantic existence. More later on this topic in a future Provoked issue.

3. We miss you Tawny Kitaen.

4. Story by request about Matthew Ginsburg’s 1992 Summer Bash.