5 Essential Insights on Regret
Plus 5 deep questions for great conversations
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A survey revealed that 80% of people claim they live with no regrets - which seems implausible
We can regret actions taken, but will more intensely regret actions not taken. Use this wisdom to engineer future decision-making.
Resist the temptation to prioritize the minimization of regret over taking calculated risks.
If you have time for greater depth on the topic:
When I speak in colleges and corporations, I challenge anyone to claim they've lived without regrets. Over 80% confidently raise their hands, seemingly proud, as if to say they've mastered life. Either I'm in the presence of the most mindful, decisive communicators, or witnessing a performance driven by the fear of tarnishing public images.
Regret is a complex emotion. The Butthole Surfers, a punk band from the '80s (you think you’re strange - read this), capture its essence in their song "Sweet Loaf":
"Daddy, what does regret mean?"
"Well son, the funny thing about regret is,
It's better to regret something you have done,
Than to regret something you haven't done."
You might be surprised to learn that the Butthole Surfers are not the definitive authority on this subject, but they touch on a truth.
Regret is the sting we feel when we realize a different choice might have led to a better present. It's a haunting, backward glance where we blame ourselves, wishing to rewrite history.
Ever snapped at your kids or partner after hours in a cramped car, blasting them with profanities, only to wish you could take it back? Then you know this feeling. I l remember every detail of the morning I called my mother a schmuck. I remember my daughter’s facial expression, trying to hold back tears, when I told her in a fit of anger that she sucks. It hurts enough that I barely wanted to pen those last two sentences.
Here are five scientific discoveries about regret to meditate on:
Young children rarely experience regret.
Around seven years, kids begin to grasp "what ifs," imagining better outcomes from different choices. Younger children, however, often live blissfully unaware. But rest assured, they'll eventually toss and turn through sleepless nights, just like the rest of us. Patience, parents...
Recognizing regret requires an awareness of consequences.
Understanding whether a choice was poor demands meta-cognition or the ability to think about thinking. It might take years to realize that skipping a European adventure in your twenties was a missed opportunity. Similarly, we only see the full impact of career decisions and political choices in hindsight. Ever kick yourself for not knowing you could have made a living designing documentaries of river otters? Or felt let down by a friend who never showed up on your worst day, when it seemed the entire world hated you?
Regrets from actions taken hit harder at first.
These regrets are often immediate but less severe than those from inaction. Poor choices have direct consequences: falling for a pickpocket scam in Barcelona or dropping your phone in a toilet during a hasty email check. These are sharp, immediate regrets.
Regret for inaction lingers and festers.
These regrets haunt us. While we can address mistakes from actions taken, missed opportunities leave us wondering what might have been. Unlike a disappointing car purchase, the memory of a missed romantic connection can torment us because we'll never know whether they were one of the 52 people on earth that could truly work with our personality, interests, and projects for a lifetime - with just the right amount of bliss.
Regret is a tool for bettering the self.
Regret pushes us to rectify mistakes and make wiser choices. It's inevitable, given the opportunity costs of every decision. Each choice means forgoing others and their potential rewards.
Regret is universal, whether we admit it or not. I worry when people claim to have none. Those who avoid regret often feel anxious and paralyzed, fearing mistakes more than embracing calculated risks. Without regret, evolution stalls, leaving us ill-equipped to handle uncertainty.
Acknowledging regret reveals a person open to transformation, a heart unafraid to experience love and offer it when warranted.
A decent dose of regrets sounds good to me. And I have plenty.
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Provocations
Deep Questions for Great Conversations
1. The Path Not Taken: Imagine you are at a fork in the road, literally and metaphorically. You take one path, and at the end, you find a box. Inside is a note detailing the life you would have lived had you taken the other path. Would you read it? Think about your personality and whether it would be helpful or harmful to your well-being.
2. The Undoing Button: Suppose you are given a button that allows you to undo one decision in your life. However, pressing it means you will have no memory of your current life post-decision. Would you press it? What does your choice say about you and your life to date?
3. The Eternal Observer: Envision a world where every decision you make is observed and recorded by an omniscient being who occasionally provides feedback on what could have been. Does this knowledge empower you to make better decisions, or does it paralyze you with fear of making the wrong choice? Reflect on how external validation influences your internal decision-making processes. None of us are fully immune from this need for approval.
4. The Regret Exchange: You have the opportunity to exchange one of your regrets with someone else’s. You must live with the consequences of their regret, but you are freed from your own. Would you partake in this exchange? How much “extra” pain would you be willing to give someone else for your own welfare?
5. The Regretless Life: Consider a hypothetical scenario in which you are guaranteed a life without any regrets. Every decision is the correct one, and every path leads to fulfillment. How would this affect your motivation, creativity, and willingness to take risks? Would a life devoid of regret interfere with some of the dimensions of well-being that are important to you?
Do check out our recent work on well-being profiling here:
Weird Things About Well-Being
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Todd B. Kashdan is an author of several books including The Upside of Your Dark Side (Penguin) and The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively (Avery/Penguin) and Professor of Psychology and Leader of The Well-Being Laboratory at George Mason University.
Some of my biggest regrets are the split-second actions as a parent at my wits end. Like you, those words that came out of my mouth.
That regret drives me to take care of myself so that I can be a better parent. Giving myself the grace of do-overs I guess
I do this thing like timeline hopping: I tune into alternative realities and draw from the skills I would have learnt from those roads not taken.
I tune into the energy of that identity and utilise it to make my current existence more interesting and to not feel like those paths not taken are a loss.
Some were unavailable for decades.
I wonder if this is playing with regret or a creative way to avoid it. It is just like any exercise of Imagination, like writing fiction and…it works.