What Drives Us to Rekindle Old Flames?

6 Psychological Hypotheses, Attachment Style Differences, and an Unforgettable Japanese Expression

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Ever found yourself wading back into the murky waters of a past romance, hoping for a different outcome? You're not alone. There's a Japanese expression, "nori ga wakareru" (海苔が別れる), which translates to "the seaweed separates." It captures the essence of going out with an ex knowing that it will probably fail miserably again. Like old seaweed that no longer sticks together anymore, soggy and threadbare, the adhesive quality of your relationship is gone. You just don’t want to pay attention to this because….there’s a craving.

Shark tank pitch? A stuffed animal of seaweed separating that you give after a break-up. A reminder of what might happen with a 2nd to 35th try.

How Common Is It To Rekindle Relationships

In the rollercoaster of post-breakup dynamics, about 10% of people cannot seem to let go, clinging to the hope the romance will be stronger and stickier the next time. This emotional tug-of-war often features four distinct turning points (from the adorably titled study, “The ex-files” - here).

1. First, there's awkward post-breakup sexual encounters, which often end in disappointment or embarrassment, leaving one or both parties avoiding each other. Occasionally, these encounters spark a brief romantic reconciliation, but alas, these too are short-lived. Read Henna Pryor’s book on Good Awkward.

2. Then, there's the lingering affection, where people find themselves pining for an ex, struggling to detach, and idealizing their former partner's best traits (never met someone who truly “got me” like they did!).

3. Lastly, some experience unrequited advances from exes, which, while not negative, highlight the enduring feelings a partner may still harbor. It's a turbulent emotional smoothie containing a mix of hope, nostalgia, and the fear of being single (do read the science on this topic - here).

Yes, Attachment Style Matters

In today's world, it seems like attachment styles get more attention than a juicy celebrity breakup (the book instigating this Attached, is on sale right now - here. People are analyzing themselves through this lens, pleading with prospective mates not to go near them in the absence of a secure attachment. But what happens when insecurity fuses with desire for an old flame?

For those high in attachment anxiety, the urge to reignite a romance with an ex can be particularly strong (from the cutely titled study, “Putting me back together by getting back together” - here). This drive stems from a need to resolve the self-concept confusion that follows a breakup. Anxiously attached individuals tend to merge identities with partners more quickly and deeply, so when a relationship ends, it leaves a significant void in their identity. Who am I without that important influence on what I think, feel, and do? The idea of getting back together with an ex offers a tempting solution to fill this gap. In some ways, it’s the romantic relationship equivalent of the curiosity dimension: deprivation sensitivity (a desire to explore in hopes of closing information gaps - see our Harvard Business Review article).

Research suggests that the quality of a relationship tends to decline with each attempt at renewal.

This means that while getting back together might seem like a good idea at first, it often doesn't ease the identity confusion or improve happiness. Moreover, rekindled relationships are more fragile (prone to breaking up again). For those who use rekindling as a way to repair internal problems, this cycle can lead to repeated disruptions, especially for those with high attachment anxiety. These individuals already struggle with negative self-views, heightened sensitivity to relationship threats, and a tendency to ruminate on problems.

Hypotheses for Ignoring Rotten Seaweed

So why do we attempt to resuscitate relationships? Here are a few hypotheses backed by psychological science.

1. The Comfort of Familiarity: Our brains love patterns and predictability, and returning to an ex can feel like slipping back into a well-worn groove - that comfortable, favorite old sweatshirt. It's the psychological equivalent of "better the devil you know."

   1. BONUS ADVICE: It is unfair to compare the awkward “getting to know you” beginnings of new partnerships with the intimacy of prior partners - who hold access to your childhood stories, most prideful moments, and can order a meal that would make you salivate at a new restaurant without even asking. We fall prey for this “illusory intimacy” - treating partner knowledge as present connection! Check out this cool study by the OG of happiness research (Dr. Ed Diener) - here.

2. Nostalgia's Rose-Colored Glasses: Our memories have a funny way of highlighting the good times while conveniently glossing over the bad. This selective memory can make past relationships seem more appealing than they were, prompting us to give it another go.

3. The Michelangelo Phenomenon: In relationships, partners can act as sculptors, helping us become our aspirational or ideal selves. You might return to an ex hoping they'll chisel away a few more rough edges, revealing the masterpiece within. But beware the Pygmalion effect—falling in love with an idealized version of someone that may never come to life. Read the original study on this - here.

4. The Self-Expansion Issue: Self-expansion theory suggests that relationships help us grow by introducing new experiences and perspectives that are internalized (work by my very first mentor on my very first scientific study, Dr. Arthur Aron - here). An ex might represent unfinished business or untapped potential, making the prospect of rekindling enticing.

5. The Suffocation Model: As relationships evolve, so do our expectations. You might return to an ex hoping they've climbed higher on Maslow's hierarchy, ready to meet your self-actualization needs. But remember, the air gets thin at the top, and not every relationship can withstand the pressure. Read the article by

   Eli J Finkel
   - here and do subscribe to his
   Love Factually Podcast
   (with
   Paul Eastwick
   )

6. Physical Chemistry: Let's not skip the obvious: sometimes, the gravitational pull back to an ex is about the fireworks in the bedroom. When the chemistry is intense, unlike alternatives, it leaves a lasting impression that can overshadow even the most epic breakup. Our brains, searching for the thrill of connection, latch onto those dopamine-fueled memories, painting them in the most flattering light. So, while the heart might have its reasons, let's be honest—sometimes it's the personal highlight reel of passion - with the body doing all the talking! Do check out what scientists have explored about “great sexual experiences” [here].

So, next time you consider rekindling an old flame, ask yourself: Is this seaweed worth the swim? The answer might surprise you.

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Todd B. Kashdan is an author of several books including The Upside of Your Dark Side (Penguin) and The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively (Avery/Penguin) and Professor of Psychology and Leader of The Well-Being Laboratory at George Mason University.

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