The One Question You Must Ask to Determine Other People's Happiness
The One Question You Must Ask to Determine Other People's Happiness
And to Unlock Your Own Happiness
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I.
I’m currently on the road for a television show filming (subscribe to get bloopers and behind-the-scenes footage). Upon landing in Dallas, Texas, my limo driver, Moe, greeted me with the standard conversational starters:
"How was your trip, sir?"
"What was the weather like there?"
"Have you been to Dallas before?"
Considering my day started at 4:50 AM, such questions felt like a tortuous chore.
So I steered the conversation into a more intriguing direction: “I’m curious, who are the worst characters you’ve met in this line of work?” He response surprised me. “I can’t tell you that because it’s Ramadan and after fasting for days I might say something I regret.”
This opened the door to a deeper conversation. I asked, “What’s been the hardest thing to give up?” He didn't miss a beat - “Coffee! I miss my coffee terribly.” We discussed the money he was saving and how he could use it. This led to a fascinating question: "How many people do you think break bad habits for months, years, maybe forever, because of this Ramadan intervention?” It turned out that despite being 63 years old, this was his first-ever attempt to end his coffee addiction. We delved deeper into his life, revealing a surprising connection: he had lived for three years in East Meadow, New York, the very place where I grew up!
In the midst of this intimacy surge, he revealed an uncanny connection. He lived for thee years in East Meadow, New York, the very place I grew up and went to elementary, middle, and high school! And the coincidences didn't stop there. With a tantalizing opening Moe said, “You must know where I lived because it was right behind the best bagel spot in town.” Bagelicious, obviously!
II.
This encounter reminded me of a breakfast conversation in Sydney, Australia, with the world-renowned well-being researcher, Dr. Ed Diener (read an article on 3 lessons I learned from his life - here).
As usual, Ed asked a random thought-provoking question, “Todd, if you could only ask one question to figure out if someone will be happy today, what would it be?” My response was something along the lines of - do you feel deeply loved by someone daily?
I don’t remember exactly what I said. Something to the effect of - do you feel deeply loved by someone daily?
Ed shook his head. Then he revealed a discovery from peeking into a survey of 1,551,362 adults collected from 164 nations - the largest, most representative sample of the world’s population. The best predictor of the amount of positive emotions felt today?
Did you learn something new yesterday?
If the answer is yes, you likely experienced a surge of pleasant emotions - joy, interest, pride, excitement, contentment, tranquility (see this great research study on positivity from
- here.Let me count the ways I love this finding:
It emphasizes the importance of using curiosity as a tool to discover something about yourself, others, or the world (enjoy five prior Provoked articles on this topic - here).
Learning something new means exposing yourself to uncertainty and often, difficulty. As Dr. Aylet Fishburn finds, despite an initial instinct to avoid discomfort, harnessing it is what motivates growth. Discomfort is a gateway to not just growth, but positivity.
It offers a simple yet effective guideline for social encounters: make an effort to discover whether the person(s) next to you learned something new recently. By doing so, you increase the likelihood they will seek out more such opportunities.
This is what I did with Moe, my limo driver.
And the best part? By directing the attentional spotlight on him and what he learned about himself from a Ramadan fast, I turn learned new things about this religious ritual foreign to my own life.
Provocations
If we aim to design social interactions for maximal meaning and connection, our job is clear: uncover what someone learned. Help them flesh out the details. Then relish the shared pleasure of the insights that emerge. Try it today. Tomorrow. As often as you can.
Don't underestimate the power of small talk. It can lead to big talk. But thanks to the research of Dr. Ed Diener and others, we now know that not all big talk is equal.
Todd B. Kashdan is an author of several books including The Upside of Your Dark Side (Penguin) and The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively (Avery/Penguin) and Professor of Psychology and Leader of The Well-Being Laboratory at George Mason University.
