The Incident: You Still Cannot Say the N-Word
Some of you are going to claim I’m overreacting. For now, all I ask is you read the entire story before commenting. Consider this an extension of prior discussions:
8 Provocations for Those Who Believe Both Political Parties Suck
Acknowledging Uncertainties, Doubts, and Complexities in the Push for Diversity
Provoked is for playful, intelligent, discerning readers. If you like what I’m doing and want to support this work, join for free or upgrade with benefits.
The Whole Dictionary Minus One Word
A small gym behind a clubhouse in Hobe Sound, Florida. An older MAN is lying on the bench. His WIFE stands nearby, barely paying attention. TODD walks in and eyes the rack of dumbbells.
THE MAN: Don’t be shy. The weights have been waiting for you.
A pun. Todd’s least favorite joke genre. But even an OK pun is still a social bid, and strangers offering a bid to an interloper deserve a return (LINK).
TODD: You might regret the invitation. I’m a loud grunter, and from here on out whatever happens in this room is your fault.
Smiles go around. Todd does spider curls. Sets pass. Near the end the MAN rises to leave, then circles back.
THE MAN: You know who John Lennon is? Or are you too young?
TODD: Even us youngens know the Beatles.
THE MAN: (counting them off on his fingers) I met him. Met a bunch of famous musicians. I shook hands with George Thorogood.
The moment is adorable. An older man offering unsolicited evidence that he led a great life and still does. Todd sustains the conversation, because he earned it.
TODD: Makes me wonder what an elder Lennon would sound like now. Someone who said unpopular things like a seemingly throw away line in one song about the problems with religion - knowing it would be sung by millions (LISTEN).
THE MAN: (nodding) You ever see Blazing Saddles?
TODD: You underestimate how little American culture I absorbed. I am familiar with Mel Brooks.
THE MAN: (brightening, doing the voice) There’s the scene, the new Black sheriff tips his hat to the towns people, sharing his good mood, and the chairman of the welcoming committee says back….
And he delivers the whole line in the gym; he says the entire word at full volume.
TODD: Uhhhhhhhhh, you really can’t say that word.
THE MAN: What word?
TODD: The n-word.
THE MAN: But I already said it.
TODD: I know you did. Consider this useful feedback that in the future you can land that movie reference without saying the word. If you must, say “the n-word.” The effect will be the same, even better.
He says it again. The way a kid touches an electric fence to check if it is live.
TODD: I don’t know you and I really don’t want to get into a conversation about this. I will see you again and pretend this last part didn’t even happen. But just reconsider when we part. You have the entire English language, the whole dictionary, minus ONE word. You’ve got this. No need to say the word.
Todd bumps his fist to let him know there are no hard feelings and goes back to the spider curls. The MAN leaves, very confident that he won some kind of contest in his mind.
Lights hold. TODD sets down the weight and turns to the audience.
TODD: Have the awkward conversation. Worse case scenario, someone thinks you are uptight and foolish. And even in the worse case scenario, the situation makes for a good story and you did the hard thing which is the right thing.
The exchange cost me nothing but a few jitters. I did not raise my voice or shame him in front of his wife, and nobody got walked out of the gym. No cancelling. No reputation destruction. I explained the line between acceptable and unacceptable and that was the extent of the intervention. He walked home convinced I was the unreasonable one, and yet he will remember the event and when retold, one of his friends might even say you know, the kid was right, it’s not 1967 anymore.
The incident links well with a 2018 experiment. Ten groups of 20 people, each paid to agree on a name for a stranger’s face. Once a group settled into consensus, a small block of holdouts started pushing for a different name. Below a certain size the holdouts made no inroads in convincing the majority. When these holdouts grew to about 25% of the group’s size, the norm snapped, fast, and the majority adopted what the minority had been saying. Speed up the timeline and what happened was a single person eventually became the difference between nothing and a cascade.
Provocation
Mark the not-so-innocent blip when it floats past you, even when the person doing it means no harm. You will lose a joyous moment but there are times when meaningful exchanges are far more important. The exchange was a deposit. Enough deposits across enough gyms and clubhouses and kitchen tables and group chats, and the balance tips. On this particular word we are close to having the vast majority of citizens on board. There is uglier work parked elsewhere, and your optimism about finishing any of it is irrelevant. Keep marking the blips. Keep going.
Lights down.
Scientific References
Centola, D., Becker, J., Brackbill, D., & Baronchelli, A. (2018). Experimental evidence for tipping points in social convention. Science, 360(6393), 1116-1119.
Czopp, A. M., Monteith, M. J., & Mark, A. Y. (2006). Standing up for a change: Reducing bias through interpersonal confrontation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 90(5), 784-803.
🔒 For the Curious
I wrote an entire book about how we need principled rebels to engage in this kind of behavior which happens to make groups smarter and wiser. Pick up a copy of The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively (Avery/Penguin) and if you already read and enjoyed it, leave a review.
How You Can Support the Newsletter
If you like Provoked:
Subscribe! Even better, become a paid subscriber.
Like It: Boost the post’s visibility by sharing it.
Comment - Here and in the chat room and virtual calls.
Note: If you are a paid subscriber, find a link to our next Provoked Community Ask Me Anything session on May 29 at 1pm EST!
