Part 1 of 2 Incredible Discoveries About Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
You are Often the Problem, Not Them
I love busting myths about mental health. For example, hardships don't necessarily block the path to a fulfilling life. Curious? Check this previous article on homelessness here.
Consider attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). It may not bear the same stigma as schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, or capgras syndrome. Still, it's often misunderstood. To learn more about capgras syndrome, click here.
Many teachers unfairly treat ADHD students. Employers might not hire them due to misconceptions. Some parents even dismiss it as unreal, leading to atrocious physical and emotional parenting practices. How common is this "over-reactive" parenting?
Oh, it gets worse - upon interviewing children with ADHD and mothers, researchers observed a high usage of insults targeting their mental capacity, such as "stupid" or "moron". Specifically, 54% of the kids with ADHD and 44% of the “healthy” kids reported such experiences. Moreover, 26% of kids with ADHD whereas only 8% in the control group shared derogatory terms used by their moms such as “I wish I never gave birth to you” or swearing that they’re handicapped.
As for even more disturbing revelations - A staggering 76% of mothers and 65% of children confessed to using to physical violence as a means of discipline. This is despite meta-analytic evidence that corporal punishment appears to be great for compliance but horrible if you want a kind, morally sound, mentally healthy kid - click here.
But it doesn't end there. 6% of mothers of children with ADHD and 15% of the children mentioned how objects like hangers and rolling pins are using for hitting. None of the “healthy” children in the control group reported this. Some parents, in misguided attempts at discipline, admitted to shaking or nipping their child, pulling their hair, and their ears. A couple of mothers confessed to putting pepper on the child's tongue or slapping their child's throat when misbehaving. These methods, they claimed, were used as a first resort to 'discipline without hitting'. But, the harsh reality is that these confrontations often escalated to physical punishment.
The feeling of helplessness was best summarized by a mother of an 8-year-old boy with ADHD who said:
"I tried to talk... None of it worked... When he makes me angry, I try to stay far away... However, he mostly continues misbehaving and eventually I have to beat him even though I don't want to..."
It hurts read this. It’s for this reason that I want to share these findings and in the next newsletter, even more knowledge about ADHD. With this in mind, let’s take a deep breath and unleash the first of two important discoveries to help youth with ADHD and the adults who attempt to control them.
I.
Question: How do children, adolescents, & adults with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) behave during an interesting activity that they care about?
Scientifically Tested Answer: No different than someone without ADHD!
Caveat: But if the task requires extensive working memory, there will likely be some inattentiveness.
This finding is crucial. It suggests that maybe the issue isn't with the listener with ADHD, but with you, the parent, the teacher, the speaker, the boss.
Consider that you might be painfully boring and unable to hold someone’s attention.
Maybe you wouldn’t have to verbally and physically harm your kid if you internalized this insight. You might not be describing what you want clearly. By that I mean, getting on a child’s level and explaining why it might be meaningful to them. Relevant to what they are passionate about. Relevant to who they want to become.
Ditch the monotonous lectures and self-focused need to be in control. If you’re a teacher or boss, resist the repetitive PowerPoint presentations. Stop telling the fishing story that you shared last week, that sounded just like the one last month. Then maybe, just maybe you won’t notice an inattentive, fidgety, disengaged audience who would rather shave off skin from their knuckles with an eraser than bare your babble for 27 consecutive minutes.
Adults with ADHD often need to stimulate themselves more to manage the monotony of daily tasks. They typically employ self-modification strategies revolving around three themes:
- Inspiration for full engagement.
- Supportive facilitation for maximum involvement.
- A sense of community for sustained participation.
Unfortunately, we often fail to even explain to children and adolescents with ADHD that they can self-regulate interest. That there are strategies to increase engagement even when the person speaking incites anything but.
Retain this fact: when interested and curious, someone with ADHD has laser-focused attention. There are no signs of disorder.
Provocations
Now you know what children often have to deal with in the home - a lot of excessive friction. You gained insight on how adults with ADHD attempt to bring their supply of energy and attention to a situation. To help youth and adults with ADHD alike, consider these strategies:
Make tasks enjoyable and demanding to stimulate their interest and maintain their attention.
Know their interests and goals, and choose your metaphors, analogies, stories, and activities to match them. Aim to make what happens in that classroom personally meaningful to them and in return, you will be rewarded with a boot in their motivation.
Let them know they're needed. Bring them into the fray. Make them part of your story, playing another character. Interject your spotlight with questions to them - what would you differently than me? What was confusing or boring about what I said? Bring in the interactive action - discussions, role-plays, hands-on activities. Just. Stop. Talking. So much. Offer opportunities to contribute in interesting ways and expect a boost in their agency and commitment. Do this, and they will remember more.
They are human and need to be loved, just like everyone else does. Show them kindness, patience, and understanding. NOTE: Yes, I stole those lyrics from The Smiths. Why? To set up my favorite cover song ever!!!!!! I have the goosebumps just thinking you might click this link:
You are not your diagnosis. Your diagnosis often is best described as a mismatch between what you need and an understimulating environment that fails to nourish. Everyone can learn to minimize these occurrences.
I want everyone to know what these kids with ADHD who become adults go through....so that we can show up better for them.
Todd B. Kashdan is an author of several books including The Upside of Your Dark Side (Penguin) and The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively (Avery/Penguin) and Professor of Psychology and Leader of The Well-Being Laboratory at George Mason University.
This issue cuts to the bone. For us, the greatest positive impact on the children comes from flipping the traditional 90/10 ratio in meetings with the school. Instead of schools, principals, and teachers dedicating 90% of their time and energy focusing on the child and only 10% to themselves. At some point, there’s no more water to wring from the dishcloth. The benefit of continuing to twist and turn is minimal—the child is as it is.
Reversing this approach makes all the difference.
When 90% of the focus shifts to how we as adults—including schools, principals, and teachers—act, behave, and improve our knowledge and skills, and only 10% remains on the child as deviant or problematic, the results are great. Just amazing. Everyone benefits. I applaud the adults who have the courage to reflect on themselves. Flip the script!
As the recipient of such parenting (and undiagnosed as ADHD until 2 years ago) I can understand both that my parents were the product of their upbringing which was about compliance and corporal punishment, and give how heritable ADHD is, that my parents were likely dealing with their own undiagnosed ADHD.
I know I used unhelpful parenting strategies with my two ADHD kids who, like me, weren't diagnosed. I lost it often because they were really challenging and I didn't know how else to get them to do the things needed. It's tough being a parent at the best of times, let alone having kids who have particular and unrecognised needs. Both were (and still are) highly intelligent, got bored easily, needed time to process and to shift from activity to activity. Motor restlessness isn't always feature of ADHD - and this is why girls and women are often not diagnosed until later in life. But I tell you what - doodling and fidgeting have been my mainstay during meetings!