Deep Misunderstandings of Happiness + Romantic Relationships
Bonus: A Wildly Profound AMA Video Recording for Premium Members
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In 1991, the big kahuna of well-being science detailed a huge discovery:
It is such a simple, profound formula with relevance to how you think about happiness and romantic relationships. Of course, the big kahuna didn’t invent the idea; he provided the evidence that predecessors only contemplated.
Sigmund Freud recognized the difficulty in maintaining intense happiness when he wrote that the experience of intense positive affect is limited by our biological constitutions. Flügel (1925) found that the half life of extremely positive moods is very short—the more intense the mood, the shorter it lasted.
You can do something with this knowledge, now!
Provocations to Stop Worshipping the Highs
If the most intense sex, the wildest party, or the biggest career win fades faster than a Snapchat story, why are you spending your life chasing peaks instead of building impressive vistas to wake up to daily?
Freud basically told us: Your nervous system can’t sustain ecstasy. So stop acting like “the night of your life” is proof of a good life.
If you’re banking your marriage on anniversaries and vacations, you’re screwed. Show me your Tuesday afternoons.
Listen to Older Adults
A valuable lesson exists when you listen to the mental framing of older adults. Rather than obsessing over peak moments (either euphoric or devastating) many older adults engage in a quiet, ongoing process of recalibration. They experience joy, frustration, nostalgia, and comfort. But instead of letting single moments define their conscious experience, they instinctively weigh these experiences against their broader expectations, and values.
It’s the ability to say (source):
I am doing well. But it’s not the same as being at home. And I miss going on holiday abroad . . . But I do still get out. My daughters in-law take me on car trips. . . . The caretakers are treating us so well, we are getting along splendidly. But there’s such a turnover of personnel. I seldom get to learn their names. And many of them have such strange names, anyhow. But they do treat us so well; they are so nice.
Notice the cascade of “buts.” Each reflects a subtle adjustment, a recalibration of perspective. You don’t see this person ignoring negatives or exaggerating positives. They arrive at a balanced, grounded view of life.
This kind of perspective-taking (what philosophers call “appropriate standpoint judgment”) is a honed skill. It’s not flashy. It is, however, a reminder that well-being is a long-term average shaped by how we interpret and respond to what life throws at us.
Stop Measuring Relationships by the Fireworks
A big mistake is measuring your relationship by the extreme highs or the crushing lows. That night you stayed up until 3 a.m. talking like teenagers again? Amazing. That screaming match in the parking lot that had bystanders staring with fists clenched? Brutal.
Neither tells the whole story. Relationships aren’t defined by the spikes. They’re defined by the average of the moments together and moments of reflection about them.
Think of it like your bank account: it doesn’t matter if you randomly blow $300 on a new gadget if, month after month, you’re still in the black. Same with love. The question is whether the baseline, over time, is healthy and high.
A Better Scorecard
Here are the relationship metrics worth paying attention to:
Micro-moments of warmth. How often do you share little smiles, touches, dumb jokes? Not grand gestures. The daily background music.
Repair speed. Fights happen. But how long does it take before you both feel safe again? Hours, days, weeks? That lag time matters more than the volume of the fight.
Emotional availability. Can you call them when you’re a mess, or do you scroll your phone instead because you know they’ll be useless?
Respect during boredom. Anyone can be kind on vacation. What happens when you’re folding laundry, running errands, or sitting in traffic?
Curiosity. Do they still ask you real questions about your day, your ideas, your weird obsessions? Or do you feel like wallpaper in your own home?
Shared jokes and shorthand. You know you’re good when you can make each other laugh with just one word or an eye roll.
Comfort with silence. Can you sit on the couch for an hour without words and not feel rejected?
The Average Test
At the end of the week, add it all up. Don’t let the giant spikes blind you. Ask:
What’s the overall temperature?
Do I feel they understand me (get me) in the day-to-day?
Do we return to each other after conflict, or keep tally sheets?
If your “average” is high, the relationship is working. If not, no number of roses on Valentine’s Day is going to fix it.
Provocation for You
Stop glorifying chaos as passion. That rollercoaster feels exciting, but it wrecks your stomach.
Audit your relationship over the last month. Forget the best day and the worst day. What was the middle?
And make sure to contemplate your role in this mess: what’s your contribution to the average?
The truth about love is boring in the best way. It’s the math of everyday kindness, curiosity, and grace.
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If you are already a Premium Provoked member, enjoy the video recording of our last Ask and Talk About Absolutely Anything Virtual Call below.
Though I am reflecting on many things that were said, a quote from the conversation that keeps percolating inside me is: “We find our greatest meaning at the back end of suffering.”