Cults, Legacies, Book Purges, Problematic Models of Happiness and Strengths
A Wonderful 63 Minute Conversation
Before we explore the wide-ranging topics in the title, let’s tackle an issue that plagues adults (that they unfortunately pass down to kids through their parenting style). Do I live my life with the ultimate objective of pursuing happiness? Or do I treat happiness as one of many worthy pursuits? Two orientations to living illustrated beautifully here:
I grew up around New Yorkers who purchase happiness boosters weekly. I thought maybe I needed more yoga. Or mushrooms. Or a better therapist. Or a better mattress. Or a better childhood.
This week I experienced redemption when stumbling across a paper: “Happiness Maximization Is a WEIRD Way of Living.” WEIRD in this case is Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich, and Democratic; the psychological petri dish where most of our “science of happiness” has been cultured. This new research uncovered an interesting finding:
The idea that we should chase maximum happiness like it’s the final boss of life is not universal. It’s not even common. It’s just... us. The WEIRD ones. America, Europe, and other epicenters of well-being books and research.
It’s satisfying to me because I’ve wanted to be curious. I’ve wanted to be useful. I’ve wanted to collect interesting people, produce interesting conversations, and surround myself with interesting things. I’ve wanted to feel like I’m part of something bigger than my mood swings. I’ve searched for situations to be helpful in ways that are tied to my temperament such as subduing/blocking/neutralizing bullies. I’ve stood up for causes, especially when everyone else seemed complacent or compliant. I’ve rarely revolved my life around the goal of being a walking smiley face (my friends will confirm this as I’ve been told many times that it’s hard to make me laugh).
And apparently, I’m not alone.
Across 61 countries, researchers asked people what their ideal level of happiness was. Only 15% said “maximum.” A full quarter said they didn’t even want to be happier than they already were. These weren’t depressed people. These were people with the audacity to say, “I’m good.” People who didn’t treat happiness like a stock price that always needs to go up.
Meanwhile, in Northwestern Europe—where the Gulf Stream keeps the winters mild and the wine flowing—people were far more likely to say they wanted to be as happy as humanly possible. Coincidence? Not really. The researchers argue that when your environment is relatively safe, stable, and disease-free, you can afford to chase happiness. You can even make it a national policy goal. But in other parts of the world, people prioritize things like meaning, harmony, or spiritual connection. Because when life is harder, happiness isn’t the point. Survival takes precedence. So does Dignity and Community.
I’ve been living in a culture that treats happiness like a moral obligation. If you’re not happy, you’re doing something wrong. You’re unhealed. You’re not manifesting hard enough.
Now you might be asking, what are the consequences of treating happiness as the apex of human experience? The researchers found that cultures obsessed with happiness maximization also had higher rates of substance use and bipolar disorder. Now, correlation isn’t causation, but it does make you wonder: what happens when a society tells people they should always feel amazing? What happens when you believe that joy is required for a social interaction or work meeting to be judged a success?
You start reaching for shortcuts. Pills. Bottles. Empanadas. You start pretending. You start suppressing.
I’ve done all of that. I’ve smiled through panic attacks. I’ve said “I’m fine” with the conviction of a hostage negotiator. And I’ve chased happiness only to find it was just out of reach, like a carrot tied to my damn forehead.
But just as you’ll hear in the recorded conversation below, I started experimenting. I asked myself what I wanted to feel. Sometimes it was awe. Sometimes it was peace. I started letting myself be bored. Be angry. Be hypomanic to start and finish projects. I stopped treating those states like glitches.
And something strange happened: I felt more alive. More grounded. More like a person with a combination of motives, interests, and values unlike anyone else.
You might have experienced something similar. You might notice how much of our culture is built around the assumption that happiness is the goal. Self-help books. Wellness apps. Corporate mission statements. Even public policy. It’s all about maximizing happiness, as if that’s THE metric that matters.
But what if we’re optimizing for the wrong thing?
What if the pursuit of happiness is making us miserable?
What if the good life isn’t the happiest but the most congruent one—the one that fits who you are, where you are, and what you value?
That’s the question I’m sitting with now. And I don’t have a neat answer (yet). But I do have a new rule: I rarely trust systems, products, or people that promise to make me happy. I want to be surprised. I want to be challenged. I want to be moved.
Happiness is nice. But it’s not the point.
So if you’ve ever felt like you’re failing at happiness, maybe you’re not broken. Maybe you’re just not WEIRD. Or maybe you are, but you’re ready to get a little weirder.
Try not maximizing happiness for a week. See what happens.
Let yourself want something else.
Let yourself feel something else.
Let yourself be something else.
You might finally feel like yourself.
As for the alternative? That is exactly what the Provoked Community talked about for 63 minutes, detailed below: