A New Understanding of How Social Anxiety Operates

And What Do People Claiming to Give Zero Fucks Actually Care About?

Created by an anonymous teenager whose last line of her story hit me hard - Sometime[s] I wish I was normal. This issue is dedicated to her and others experiencing similar pain.

Who Knew He Suffered So Much?

E.B. White, the acclaimed author of Charlotte's Web and Stuart Little, experienced a life peppered by a daily struggle with social anxiety. One such moment occurred during a literary gathering in New York City. Surrounded by fellow writers and critics, White stood on the periphery, feeling the familiar tightening of his chest. As conversations flow around him, White clutches his drink, scanning the room for any hint of disapproval. This was not an isolated incident; White's social anxiety often led him to avoid public engagements, fearing he would falter under the scrutiny of an audience.

He skipped weddings, parties, his Presidential Medal of Freedom awards ceremony, and even his wife’s (private) burial service, describing his anxiety as a "peculiar kind of disability."

White's letters reveal his inner turmoil. In correspondence with his editor, he frequently expressed worry over how his work would be received, despite his established reputation. He agonized over every word, seeking validation through his writing. This need for approval underscores a deep-seated belief that his perceived flaws might be visible to others, leading to rejection.

E.B. White's experience is far from unique. In the United States, 7.1% of adults grapple with Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) each year, with a staggering 12.1% facing it at some point in their lives. This translates to millions enduring the silent torment of this condition. Alarmingly, it begins early—by age 11 for half of the cases and by age 20 for a staggering 80% of cases [read]. While not everyone will suffer from SAD, nearly everyone experiences the feeling of being socially anxious. A common yet impactful emotional state, it's worthwhile to understand why it exists with an original perspective. [An extension of new knowledge about other conditions such as depression.]

A New Understanding of How Depression Operates

What behaviors have the biggest impact on whether others reject you?

A study revealed that our self-esteem, or sense of self-worth, is less affected by possessing qualities such as intelligence, creativity, physical attractiveness, warmth, strength, or material wealth. Instead, it is profoundly shaped by actions we believe will provoke disapproval and cause others to distance themselves from us.

Consider these 16 behaviors, which people ranked twice: first, by their potential to produce rejection, and second, by their impact on self-judgments. Let's explore them from least to most impactful.

• I donated one of my kidneys to a dying person. (#16 on rejection potential, #15 on self-judgments)

• I saved a drowning childhood who had fallen into a pool. (#15 on rejection potential, #16 on self-judgments)

• I was responsible for raising $15,000 to buy food and Christmas toys for abandoned children. (#14 on both)

• I was a Big Brother or Big Sister to an underprivileged child. (#13 on both)

• I was voted ‘‘best looking’’ person in my class. (#12 and #10)

• I was accepted into an honor society. (#11 and #12)

• I volunteered to donate blood. (#10 and #11)

• I gave a dollar to a beggar. (#9 on both)

• I took care of a friend’s house plants while she was out of town. (#8 on both)

• I accidentally sneezed on someone standing in front of me in a checkout line. (#7 on both)

• I received a negative valuation on my work performance from my boss. (#6 and #5)

• I lost my temper and yelled at someone. (#5 and #6)

• I was unfaithful to my boyfriend or girlfriend. (#4 on both)

• I dropped out of college. (#3 on both)

• I carelessly caused a traffic accident in which someone was permanently paralyzed. (#2 and #1)

• I cheated on a final examination in a course. (#1 and #2)

Notice any patterns in these 16 behaviors? Our internal worth is deeply tied to whether we believe others will accept or reject us. It's intriguing, especially when you come across people who declare, "I don’t care what other people think. I am all out of fucks to give." But can we believe these self-proclaimed masters of stoic philosophy [read Stoicism 101] ? It can be tested—and it has been!

What Do People Claiming to Give Zero Fucks Actually Care About?

To explore whether people who claim to be unaffected by social rejection are truthful, Mark Leary and his colleagues conducted two experiments. In the first, participants were selected based on their strong assertions that their self-worth was either influenced or not influenced by others' opinions. Participants then shared personal information with three other participants and ranked them based on likability and friendship potential. They received fabricated feedback on whether others ranked them favorably. Participants then completed measures of self-worth.

In the second experiment, participants were chosen based on their beliefs about how others' judgments affected their self-worth, differing from the first experiment's selection criteria. During the session, participants spoke about themselves over an intercom for five minutes, receiving fake feedback every minute about how much another participant wanted to know them. Those in the approval group received high ratings, while the disapproval group received low ratings. Participants then completed self-worth assessments.

In both experiments, feedback significantly impacted self-worth, regardless of their bold claims of being indifferent. Approval led to higher self-worth than disapproval, even among those claiming their self-worth is unaffected by social approval. That is: individuals who insist humans are highly attuned to feeling devalued by others, even when we protest otherwise, especially if we view others as desirable partners/friends or highly socially attractive. Just check out the results below.

Those acknowledging their self-worth as dependent on others' approval felt 7.8% worse when disapproved compared to approved conditions. Surprisingly, those professing social autonomy also felt 4.6% worse under disapproval, highlighting that their self-perceived independence barely shielded them from the impact of social judgment.

A quick lesson here:

Don't believe what people say — watch how they react. These experiments underscore the reality that our actions and reactions often betray our true sensitivity to social judgments, regardless of what we claim.

Understanding the Sociometer Model

Mark Leary's sociometer model provides a framework for understanding social anxiety as an adaptive response rather than a personal failing.

Let's explore its three components:

1. Social Acceptance as a Core Need

The need for social acceptance is fundamental to human survival. This need drives us to be acutely aware of our social standing and relationships. For E.B. White, the fear of not being accepted or valued by peers fueled his social anxiety, highlighting the primal nature of this need.

2. Self-Esteem as a Feedback System

In this model, self-worth functions as an internal gauge, or sociometer, that monitors our social acceptance. When we perceive a threat to our social standing, our self-worth drops, triggering feelings of social anxiety. This feedback system prompts us to take corrective actions to restore our social standing and become more socially attractive to others.

However, when this self-focus becomes overwhelming, it detracts from experiencing joy, flow, and connection. You feel socially anxious, it sucks, you want to get rid of it and avoid any situation that might induce it. Our research indicates that individuals with social anxiety disorder go to great lengths to avoid uncomfortable emotions. The irony is that in striving to avoid anxiety and embarrassment, they miss out on feeling much of anything including the very essence of human happiness and meaning [here]

3. Adaptive Function of Social Anxiety

Social anxiety, from this perspective, is not merely a maladaptive fear but an adaptive response that alerts us to potential social threats. It encourages us to be vigilant and responsive to our social environment. Understanding this can help reframe social anxiety as a natural, albeit sometimes exaggerated, response to perceived social risks.

Sometimes what hurts us, helps us. This is the case for low-grade, infrequent moments of social anxiety.

For more, listen to my NPR conversation with

Susan Cain

- here

Provocations

The sociometer model reconsiders the traditional view of self-worth as merely the pursuit of feeling good about oneself. Instead, it positions self-worth as an internal gauge, monitoring our social acceptance and prompting corrective actions when needed. This perspective invites us to consider what other internal gauges might exist within us to help us function better in life.

Could there be a gauge for authenticity, alerting us when we stray too far from our true selves in our quest for social acceptance? Perhaps there is a gauge for empathy, measuring our connection and responsiveness to the emotions of others. Or a gauge for purpose, guiding us through life transitions and ensuring our actions align with our evolving values and goals.

By exploring these inner mechanisms, we can better understand the multi-dimensional nature of our humanity.

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Todd B. Kashdan is an author of several books including The Upside of Your Dark Side (Penguin) and The Art of Insubordination: How to Dissent and Defy Effectively (Avery/Penguin) and Professor of Psychology and Leader of The Well-Being Laboratory at George Mason University.